2003-02-23 - 3:50 p.m.

Why did I enlist myself in this internal war? Why did I decide that I wanted to be on both opposing sides? Why?

Sometimes, I really don't understand me! LOL. But it's not really a laughing matter. It's actually very serious.

I want to do right, be right, live right... But it's hard because I didn't do a lot of the things that regular teenagers did. I didn't have the time. I wouldn't allow myself the time. Now that I'm about to walk into damn adulthood, I wanna get a lot of things out of my system. But it's hard.

I experiment. I've always been curious. Always wanted to find out how things work, how things operate.

When I was a little girl, I would set fires in the bathroom with tissue and just observe how the flames ate up the paper. I wasn't trying to burn down my house or anything. I just wanted to see the interaction between paper and fire. It was interesting!

One of my nicknames was Curious J. I had to understand why things worked the way they did. I had to understand these by any means necessary.

What I'm going through now is switching between feeling bad about some of my experiments and going ahead with those same experiments. I'm attempting to justify the things that I'm doing by saying that it's completely an experiment. Which they really are. But I know that some of these experiments, I just shouldn't be doing for a variety of reasons I think I'll discuss later. I already have enough thoughts on the subject in my head, I'd rather not see them in print too.

Hmmmmm.... What to do, what to do.

And why don't I know what the hell I'm doing come May 10th. If I had one wish, it would be to know where to go on May 10th. I would wish that I had a place to get up and dressed for on May 10th. And not a party. I mean a place that I would need to get up and dressed for on May 10th, May 11th, May 12th...

Any genies out there? Hit a sista up!

It's stress. I'm not going crazy...right?

antes - despues