Being Studious...
2003-02-25 - 12:28 a.m.
I'm supposed to be studying. I've been studying straight since early Sunday morning. This is not a regular routine for me. I'm not saying that things come easy for me but I am saying that I have a good short-term memory.
This studying thing is not for me. But it's what I have to do. Why? Because four of my five professors have decided that they would like to give tests this week. One even had the bright idea of requiring a presentation to be done as well as his test.
The test I took today, I completely failed. I can't ever remember doing that in my four years. But I did it today. At least I stayed for most of the class period. But it was just for show. Just to make it seem like I put in some kind of effort. I wanted to turn it in as soon as I had finished filling in my name and student number. I read that first question and I knew that there was nothing I could do to pass the exam. But that's water under the bridge. I don't like crying over spilled milk.
I'm so stressed out. I finally grew out my nails (with the aid of some acrylic). They were so long and pretty. I mean, never in my life have I had long nails. I come from a family of female nail-biters. When I finally have them, stress takes 'em away. I bit them all off today. I am so stressed I don't know what to do. Like I said, I'm supposed to be studying now but I'm so stressed out I can't concentrate. So, I'm here posting an entry. Hopefully, this gets things off my mind and I can do a lil' something before I go to sleep.
I just don't care anymore I think. All the other semesters, I had to make sure I got good grades for my scholarship. If I didn't, it would have gotten taken away (which almost happened once - I realized I was trying to study the wrong thing so I changed majors and fixed that problem). Now, it doesn't matter. I can't fail but I surely don't have to put in any effort. I could get all C's and still graduate. They can't take away my scholarship now. This semester's already paid for. So, whatever.
I have other things to worry about: spending time with my family, May 10th, May 10th, May 10th, preventing certain habits, getting rid of certain dependencies, spending time and energy on me and my own well-being, getting organized, handling some business, telling some people the truth, facing other truths about myself, facing reality, living in reality, devising dreams for my life, setting plans to follow those dreams... Again (Freddy is so funny!), I have other things to worry about.
* If this is a personal diary, why am I editing it? I just erased a few lines that I wanted to say. Why? Shameful. *
Some dance to remember, some dance to forget...
You can check out anytime you like, but you can't never leave...