2003-09-08 - 2:16 p.m.

My weekend... Wonderful in so many ways that mostly relate to one thing: my relationship with God.

And it just feels good. For real. I'm not trying to make it sound better than it is. It's just something that is extra-special to me. And I can't stop loving it, even if I tried. It's the only reason I'm still living.

Friday, I was feeling like wasn't no need (yes I said "wasn't no need") for me to keep thinking that there is somebody out there for me. And I get SO TIRED of even thinking about the whole "hooking up with somebody" thing, but I guess it's something I really want, so it ain't never gon' leave my mind. But yeah, back to Friday. I'm thinkin' it just ain't neva gon' happen so I might as well give up.

But at the same time, I know it ain't right for me to even think that because I know that God has someone for me. I just have to be patient and wait on him to come. But I guess when you don't even have someone to call, it gets kinda...just kinda difficult to be hopeful (even though I do have people TO call, I just don't WANT to call them).

So, unbeknownst to me, the Lord had already placed it in one of Tha Guhlz's minds to come scoop me up and help me not sit and wallow over my situation. She kept me out all evening! For real. I came home from work, she called, I peed, and we was out! The message started while I was with her but I'll leave that special present for myself.

That night though, I got in around midnight. I couldn't sleep 'cause thoughts from earlier were trying to creep up. So, I got on the trusty net. Figured lookin' at my paid-off credit card statements would make me feel better.

Lo and behold, I hear "you've got mail" immediately followed by an IM alert. At the poetry spot I've been a regular at for the past month, there's this poet...excuse me, Spoken Word Artist...that really holds my attention. A few days ago, I had a question about something he said in one of his poems, so I e-mailed it to him. He responded. He also added me to his buddy list, which I did not know.

So, we chatted for a bit. Then he asks me to come out to eat. I wasn't hungry but wanted the company so I had coffee. It was just what I needed that night. Friendly conversation and good company.

I'm not looking for anything from that situation though. First of all, I'm just tryin' not to look into things at all 'cause that's when I get into trouble. Second of all, I think I get caught up in the idea of the poet rather than the person sometimes...at least that's how it's happened with the three poets I've been "associated" (yeah, I'll use that word) with. The poetry draws me in and keeps me interested, to the point where I sometimes become blinded by it? So yeah, I'm not trying to get into that again.

But how this relates back to me and God: It's like he's always giving me a reason not to give up. No matter what it is: my weight, my financial situation, my emotions, my WHATEVER. As soon as I start to waiver in my HOPE, he places things all around me to help me remember that he is ALWAYS there. And he ain't goin' nowhere so I might as well stay hopeful, faithfully believing that what he has for me will come.

Saturday, I called up an old friend and went by her place. She has really turned her life around and established a relationship with God. Whereas we used to sit and talk about her exploits and our other dramas, Saturday, we sat and talked and laughed about how good it is to have God in our lives. That was something I needed. Another present God had waiting for me. A gift to help me come back to my faith in him.

Sunday, the same thing, but the clearest of all things out of my weekend. I don' mentioned the man before, but now I know his name: Joel Osteen, Pastor of the Lakewood Church, Sundays, 8:00pm Eastern on BET.

Now I had laid down to sleep at 7:00pm because I had an exhausting weekend and little sleep for various reasons. I was right there, about to cross over into dreamland when my best friend (my "wifey". LOL. :P) called to let me know she was literally on the road back to school. We talked for a little bit and, after looking at the time, I decided to check and see if my boy was on tv. And on he was! I hung up with her and tuned into the message.

What was the message this Sunday? Hmmm... Let's see, what would it have been? What would be the message I would need to hear after my thoughts on Friday?

Yep. "Believing". As soon as I realized what he was talking about, I almost fell out right there on my bedroom floor. It's like God is sitting with me, walking with me, trying his best to let me know he's always there and he hears me. Since I can't physically see him, he places things in my path for me to realize his presence. I fought tears the entire time I listened to Pastor Osteen.

He was expressing that all God wants us to do is believe. Nothing more, nothing less. As a child of God, all I have to do is believe that God is God. He is still, always has been and always will be the King and controls my life today as he had up to this point and as he will for the rest of my life, as long as I allow him to.

I could not believe myself! After all of the wonderful things God has done in my life, I have the nerve to doubt that he has someone for me?! Hmmph. Talk about shame. I still can't believe myself! I can chalk it up to being human and having wants and desires that I would like to have immediately fulfilled. But everything in its time. Nothing before it's supposed to happen, not if I want it to be right.

So, I'm back to believing that the right one is out there for me. My focus now is on patience. Being patient, believing that the one will come when the time is right. Not before. And if I sit here and will it to come tomorrow, it won't be right. The whole situation will probably be something I never want to experience again. So, I'll just sit and wait.

But now I KNOW, so it'll definitely be easier.

('Tonio, is it okay if I make a dedication? It is? Thanks.) This post is dedicated to those who are on the verge of losing their dreams. Hold on. Just hold on.

P.S. I'm a loquacious female, so, most likely, this long-entry-when-I-finally-have-a-topic-to-write-about-(and-even-when-I-don't) trend will most likely continue. I have to make sure I get the details in there 'cause I wanna see the whole scene in my head when I reread what I wrote years from now.

antes - despues