I Want, I Need...
2003-03-13 - 1:12 p.m.
I hate the fact that I can't really rest because usually, I'm thinking about everything that I have to do. It's impossible to rest peacefully when I'm constantly planning and preparing for whatever it is that I have to do, has to be done by and should have been done by and should be done by...
I shoulda went away for Spring Break. Maybe being in another environment would have allowed me the chance to forget my life and responsibilities and all that.
I have people around me that drain me. It's my fault for attracting those types of people. I like solving people's problems. That's a part of who I am. But I just want some people to solve their problems on their own sometimes. I really do. But then, I feel bad telling them that so I end up doing it. I'm tired. Like, I know I can't do it for much longer. I can't be stressed out over dilemmas that other people put themselves in. For real.
I saw my ex last Friday. I was shocked but I still played it cool. "Wussup, J?" Then I went on my merry little way. The only thing I thought about was the fact that I hadn't seen him in a while. But other than that, I ain't pay it no mind. Wouldn't I get a call yesterday from him. So predictable.
Men ask me why I don't want a relationship, why I don't want to deal with anybody. I need to get my damn life straight before I involve anyone else in it. I don't feel like I have all my shit together. Period. I don't have definite plans for after graduation. I'm not performing as well as I should be in school (even though I'm nowhere near doing poorly) or with the organizations that have my name on them. I'm not organized. Again, I am not organized. My life is just not as cut and dry as I would like it to be right now. Even though I know life will never be cut and dry... I just don't have as much control over my life as I want to have right now. Adding a male to this equation would equal mental devastation for me. I ain't havin' that.
Being alone is satisfying for me right now. I guess it's because I know what I'm doing to me. I don't have to guess or wonder about how I'm treating me. I know. With anyone else, I wouldn't be able to be sure. So, I'd rather not deal with any uncertainty or worry.
I need some support though. I do need that right now. LOL. I don't want but I want... A walking, talking, breathing, eating contradiction. That's me.
This is my damn diary...