2003-09-19 - 11:05 a.m.

Okay, so I'm MAD AS HELL! that my car insurance is $1300 whereas my mother and stepfather's combined insurance for both of their cars is only $800. Yeah, I'm steamin'.

I mean, I know I messed my car the hell up but GEICO only had to pay $600 for the repairs after my $500 deductible. My insurance last year was $1300 as well. I already done paid them suckas back! Why the hell they still pimpin' me like this?! Where the hell is the damn love, Jay?!

LOL. Now, that I have that outta my damn system... *exhale - "Shoop, Shoop"*

Aiight. I've decided that I want to be a little more honest in my damn diary. I mean, it is mine! LOL. But I still feel like I hide a lot of myself just to ensure that people's ideas about me don't change. But then again, everybody's gonna have a different opinion of you, other than yourself. Meaning: Nobody will ever know exactly who you are because they didn't experience every little detail of your life like you did. Therefore, some things you might want them to think, they're never going to think because they don't know to think those things... Okay, I'm getting more long-winded than I already am. I'm sure the point was gotten before I said "Meaning:". LOL!

Anyway. I'm just gonna let my fingers do the talking instead of allowing my mind to censor things before they get a chance to be put out there. I do want to be able to read over these things and remember exactly what I was going through. I can't do that fully if I censor myself now.

So, last night, me and Miss Pooh went to da poetry spot. We've been regulars for a few months now.

There's a poet who, as soon as he took the stage the first time I went, I was interested in him. Everything about him. And that's something for me because, lately, I haven't really been thinking about anybody.

I was listening to his words, emphasizing with a lot of his situations, understanding everything he was saying. Aiight.

So, one of the girls I was with that first time, he said a poem that offended her. What he said wasn't offensive, if she had been listening and processing the piece as a whole. But, as usual, she wasn't. So, she got offended.

So, it was only my duty *ahem* to contact the poet and rectify the situation. (I am so meddlesome but only when I want to be.) So, I sent him an e-mail and promptly got a response.

Come to think of it, I might have written the background about what I'm about to get into before. Oh, yes I did. Here it is.

I'll call him SWA (Spoken Word Artist). He was the guy from that Friday night. As we conversed in the restaurant, I'm thinking to myself he's a real cool guy, ya know?

As the conversation got longer and more interesting, he wants to bust out with the questions: "I noticed you said you're not looking for anybody. What's your dating status?" "What are your living arrangements?" "What are you doing tomorrow?" "I know you're gonna be busy, but how about you call me when you have a few minutes free?"

The conversation went from me giving him my personal analysis of his pieces (which were very on point) to him feeling me out as a woman...which I wasn't prepared for because, contrary to his own popular belief, that's not what I was coming out for. But since he was bringing all that ish up, I'm starting to think, "this nigga might be interested in something else." Which then piqued my damn interest more than I would have liked.

So, the next day, as he requested, I hit the nigga up. I wasn't expecting a direct call back and neither did I get one. When I left the message, his phone wasn't even turned on. But he did call me back...that night...when I was at a football game so I surely couldn't and would not call him back.

So, I call the next day. Not long after I call, I get on the 'net and lo and behold, he wants to send me an IM. Okay. Yeah, he called me last night. No, he didn't get the message I left for him today yet. And then...silence...nomore messages. So, I say, "have a good evening" and I sign-off. I'm not gon' sit up there all day waiting on him to come back to the IM conversation from whatever he's doing.

He knows my number. He also has a voicemail from me that he can respond to.

That was the Sunday before last. That next Thursday, me and two of my friends went to the poetry spot as we had been for the past many weeks. He was there, as he always is on that particular night 'cause it's a big night for him. Mind you, up until that point, I hadn't heard from him since that Sunday.

So, at the spot, he's walking around, talking to various individuals. He comes up to this lady RIGHT BEHIND ME and hugs her and all that jazz. He stopped saying hi to people after that point. Didn't even turn my way.

I'm the type of female, I'm not gon' let everybody know what me and you know, ya know? I'm not gon' be hanging all over you now if that's not what I did before. As much as I can help it, ain't nobody gon' know my damn business. I'm a private person.

So, he never did speak to me and I never did speak to him.

Once the night began to wind down, my friends and I headed out to leave. The exit we needed to take was blocked by a whole row of people outside talking. I stopped to get a few papers while my friends kept going towards the car. So, I have to go through this exit all on my lonesome, which is not an issue for me. Problem is, homeboy is one of the people blocking the exit. So, even if I want to, I can't walk by undetected. Since his legs are blocking the exit, I tap him to say excuse me. Once he sees it's me, he makes this big ole' scene about "Hey girl! How you doin'?! How you been?!?!" complete with a big bear hug...

My thing is, I know you saw me inside. You ain't even know me inside. But now that we outside and you and all your peoples are together, you know me and you know me well... I ain't feelin' that. But I'm not one for drama, so I ain't call a nigga out right there. I played the part and kept it moving.

I was all confused about that whole mess. I never showed my interest in him that night we met up to eat. I never gave any indication that that was what I was looking for. Quite the opposite. I made it known that I'm not looking for anything like that. But I guess I'm saying the wrong thing when I meet guys.

EVery guy I've met this year, as much as I say I'm not looking for anything, it's like I'm throwing out glue! This only makes them work harder. As if I didn't mean what I said about not looking for anybody. How could somebody like me not be interested in a relationship? Oh no, that's just not possible. But it is! I AM NOT LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP. I mean what I say and I say what I mean. Ain't no games here. I don't like being played with so I definitely ain't gon' try to play with nobody else. For real. I can't stand that crap.

Anyway, nothing changed after that little display. I sent him another e-mail just to kinda feel out what was going on. I never got a response. But it ain't really bother me. I'm sayin', u changed ur mind? It's all good. Whatever.

So, last night, we go again. He's the last poet to go up. As usual, me and Miss Pooh are sitting directly in front of the stage. It's been like that whenever we have the opportunity. We even got there late and our table was still open. Okay! LOL.

So, he's the last poet. Yesterday also happened to be his birthday, which he didn't want anybody to know and which I didn't even know, so everybody sang happy birthday. Yesterday being his birthday also means that he is a damn Virgo. I never have a chance to meet a Virgo (my damn compatible sign)! NEVER! But the last two (and only two) I've met, I've really been interested in them and then what did they do? DISAPPOINT ME! What have I stated time and time again up in here and even more than that in real life?! I CANNOT STAND TO BE DISAPPOINTED! If you even think you gon' disappoint me, just keep it moving. No need to waste my or your time.

I digress. Last time we went, I couldn't look at him when he did his piece because I didn't want thoughts to hinder me from processing his piece. So, the whole time he recited, I looked away. Perfect delivery.

Last night, there were no thougts to hinder me because I released all that confusion; wasn't into lettin' it stick to me. So, as I do every other poet (and anybody who is speaking to me: professors, supervisors, cafeteria workers - whoever), I stared him in the eye while he did his poem. It was noticeable to me and Miss Pooh that the nigga was stuttering over words and at one point lost his train of thought.

He coulda been drunk, he coulda been bogged down with whatever happened during his day, but that man does not mess up when delivering his pieces. He just doesn't. So for him to mess up when I'm staring attentively at him... I don't know. It's probably just me...and Miss Pooh...

And again last night, he didn't speak to me and I didn't speak to him. But because he is the bomb, I will be purchasing his CD though...LOL. (And don't even say nothin', 'cause everybody still supportin' R. Kelly and look what he did.)

But my thing is: You are a grown man (37...yes, I am 22 - I know, I know!). Why do some stuff like that? Why see me comin' in, not taking that direction at all, but you wanna act shady? Ya know? A grown man. I came in that thang just looking for conversation and company. Period. I never made no insinuations, no advances, no nothing towards him. But he still decided to try and take that route. And then wanna act like the ish never happened? That, I can't comprehend.

And it upsets me even more because I was looking to get to know him. He intrigued me very much and that rarely happens, so I was all about getting to know him so that I could understand where that interest was coming from. But he wanted to change the situation and now look, we're back to being strangers. But we'll never be real strangers so it's an act... And as a grown man, out of...I don't know...not respect, not kindness...just, I don't know! But I really feel like the nigga coulda said "wussup" or something the past two Thursdays. I would not have been rude in return just because it ain't that serious. I just really don't like not knowing what's going through somebody else's mind about me. I really don't.

Damn! Honesty is LENGTHY! LOL! But hey, I did what I came to do: I honestly got everything out about this situation. I've realized though, that sitting and going over this crap doesn't change anything about the situation. I won't be contacting him ever again because the only games I know how to play are made out of cardboard or have little plastic game pieces. Those games have set rules I can follow. These mental games, that can take a weird turn at any moment? Naw, me and them don't get along very well.

I'm not angry or bitter about it 'cause it just wasn't that serious to begin with. Like I said before, I just don't like not knowing what the hell is going on. That's just me.

But anyway, this weekend already looks to be full. We'll see what goes down.

And it's been a week and I haven't looked at one in interest. My frame of mind for the next couple of weeks is my little Frankenstein. It's kinda ugly to everybody else but it's just right to me...for now anyways. LOL.

Enjoy the weekend.

antes - despues