2003-12-26 - 9:15 a.m.

It's the day after Christmas. The first day of Kwanzaa for some. Is it one of the days of Hannukah too, or is that over? Me no know, Diary. (I know I should, but I don't. Now get over it!)

I woke up EXTREMELY tired and with a headache this morning. Wow. And to top it off, I got 8 hours of sleep! That's how hectic yesterday was. For real. I didn't even realize how much running around I was doing. It ain't even like I left my house either! LOL.

But damn, I'm tired. And now I feel like I've already caught the cold the person in the office next to my desk has after only being at work for an hour. LOL! I'm such a hypochondriac...

I called to wish Broken Promises a happy birthday (it's today) and a happy new year. Why? I don't know. It was just heavy on my mind to do so since the beginning of the week. I told myself last night, "Just go to sleep. As long as you get to sleep, you won't call and tomorrow morning will be here and it'll be all good and you won't want to call anymore."

I said I told myself that. I knew it wouldn't be that way though. I knew I'd be thinking about calling him still all day today so I figured it would just be better to go ahead and get it out of the way and call. Which is what I did.

And Diary, you know it's a phone call you don't need to make when, after dialing the number, you're hearing the rings and praying that the person on the other end does not pick up the phone.

And he didn't. And I hope he never calls me back, not even to say thank you. Especially not to say thank you. His name and number are out of my phone (like I'll ever forget the number anyway). I just want it to be where I make the last effort and the both of us know that I was the last to make contact. And that can be my "period". Period. LOL.

Why would I do that to myself, Diary? Why would I even reach out to make contact with someone who has done nothing but disappoint me and prove to me that he was never who he made himself out to be to me? Hmmm. Good questions. Wish I knew the answers.

Only thing I can come up with is that I'm a masochist. Or that I want the little hope that he was who he made himself out to be torn apart by the truth.

But I'm good and ready to get over this entire situation. Really. It's older than old and I am too ready to be over it.

So, with that last call last night, I'm letting it go. Right now, I'm letting it go.

"Seek and ye shall find." That holds true in all situations. Even when what you seek is the worst thing you could ever hope to find. If you seek it, you will find it. So, in this case, I will stop seeking.

In other news, DSG wants to hang out tonight. I don't mind going out with him in tow as long as it's in a group setting. I'm not trying to be around him one on one.

It seems as if we've picked up right where we left off, in a way. I can't stand talking on the phone but I've always ended up in hours-long conversations with him... It's funny though because he's doing most of the talking, telling me stories and whatnot. I like listening to him talk. That's just me, Diary. LOL. But it's not in a "getting all caught up in him" kinda way. I just like to hear him tell his stories.

But the feelings I used to think I had for him...they're just not there. Or I'll say they're there, they're just not anywhere near as strong as they used to be. Mostly because my eyes are open to a lot more about him than they used to be. I'm noticing - better yet, acknowledging - certain things about him that I just can't accept/deal with.

I just don't understand why so many young black men are so content with not having anything. Not that having things is number one on my list when it comes to what I want in a male. Honesty is #1.

It's just that I can't stand to see people for whom not having anything is acceptable. Like, don't you want to have something? Don't you want to be able to stand on your own and have things where you can say, "This is mine." Like, "this is my degree, this is my career, this is my home, this is my car", etc?

I just like to see people work hard to get what they want in life. It really upsets me when I see people for whom just having the bare necessities is more than enough. They don't even have the desire to rise above where they are. That bothers me.

But we'll see where the evening takes me, eh Diary? LOL. I am doing my best to open my ears and my eyes and pay attention to whatever signs are being sent to me. I'm trying to trust my instincts, my intuition...

"Is there someone you know, you're loving them so, but taking them all for granted? You may lose them one day, someone takes them away and they don't hear the words you long to say." - Bread, "Everything I Own"

EDIT: Okay Diary. 2 things:

1) Broken Promises messed me all up when he called at 12:45pm. I didn't answer the phone though. Just stared at it. Not actin' stupid, it was only because I'm at work. I'll call him back later on this evening. I'm a masochist, remember?

2)I'm up here tryin' to stay awake so I figure I'll do a lil' work on you. I call myself archiving all my entries onto their own little seperate pages... Now, I done messed thangs up. They'll get fixed soon though, I hope. So don't hate me. I'll get you all better soon. K? K.

antes - despues