2001-12-29 - 9:15 a.m.

Hey Diary!

Calm down, calm down. Ain't nothin' excitin' happen this past weekend. I'm just happy to see you. LOL.

My weekend was good though. I did a lot of thangs that had me anticipatin' my future, the things I wanna do to enjoy and celebrate my life, my days here on this earth.

Friday night, I went to a Kwanzaa celebration. What a party. Last year's was more commercialized and fun but not so much personal fun. This year's was a different story.

The company who hosted the celebration only invited friends and family so the atmosphere was much more relaxed.

I'm thinkin' about celebrating Kwanzaa next year. I've always gone to an opening ceremony of some sort but never really followed through with the rest of the days. Now that I can focus and see the good effects that Kwanzaa can have if it was celebrated more widely, I think I'm gonna do what I can to at least get my household into the Kwanzaa spirit. Hopefully, it'll also take off some of the emphasis on gift-giving on Christmas Day.

And my men... Can we get some couth, please? Why I gotta be gettin' harassed at the Kwanzaa ceremony???! I'm just there to be uplifted and enjoy the celebration but I couldn't fully 'cause I had to be running away from two grown-ass men (one a guest and the other, a performer) who were doin' their best to get on my momma's (yes, my momma) good side and to seduce me with their words and all this crap.

I mean damn! Really! I felt like I was for sale or something, the way they was actin'. I ain't walk up in there no kinda way. Wasn't puttin' off no kind of vibes. Yet and still, I'm gettin' harassed...

Can't go nowhere! It ain't safe no mo'!

Saturday, I went out with my best friend. We did the tourist thing on South Beach. Tank tops, rolled up jeans, flip flops and cameras! Even parked in the parking garage rather than getting a meter! (that's a HUGE thing for somebody like me - you know I HATE paying for parking at the parking garage).

It was fun though! I have never in my life walked and shopped South Beach during the day just because. That's why I couldn't really understand what people saw in coming down to South Beach to hang out. But it was a whole buncha-muncha fun. I had me a good time. We even sat down at one of those little pizza places and had lunch. LOL. Went over to the water and took pictures and thangs.

Yeah, I enjoyed myself and I can't wait to do it again.

Just hung out Saturday night and stayed over a friend's house. Woke up at the crack o' dawn on Sunday morning (with B2K's "Ba Da Boom" ringin' in my head - wha?!) and went to Sunday School. Came home and got in the bed - which is where I stayed for the rest of the day. Yep.

And I did return Broken Promise's phone call Friday night. Yes, yes I did. He really lived up to the name I've given him. Not so much in a bad way this time because the two promises he made during the call didn't mean anything to me. But they were enough to help me really let that nigga go. No more talking about him. No more thinking about him. I'm glad to leave him in 2003. Very glad.

And that lil' bout of loneliness from last week? It's gone. I ain't lonely no mo'! LOL. A song that means too much to me helped me to realize that I'm never really lonely (I'll let it take you out today, Diary.). Additionally, I just don't feel like "feeling" lonely, allowing myself to acknowledge a loneliness that isn't truly there.

When I do that, I'm opening a door to allow myself to do things I don't really want to do but I use the "loneliness" as an excuse to do them and then, once I snap out of that foolishness, I am upset with myself for doing whatever it was that I didn't really want to do. So, no more of that.

Yes, Diary, I am very harsh with myself where emotions and feelings are concerned but that's because I care too much about my mental well-being to allow myself to get into moods where I depend so much on someone else caring about me that I stop caring about myself.

I'm not gon' sit here and say I haven't done it because, as is evidenced by my dealings with Broken Promises, I have. Just not to the full-out extent (thank you, Lauryn). And I'll be damned if I ever let it get there. I'm glad to have dealt with him in this way though because it has helped me to realize what I will not let happen again.

So, once again, I'm fine by myself. And me and myself are looking forward to the new year that will be here in just a few days.

Aiight, I'm outtie. I'ma leave you with one of my favorite songs in this here life:

"Just because the sun don't shine
Doesn't mean that I'm not with you
And though you've prayed and nothing's changed
Doesn't mean that I don't hear you
You gotta hold on to my promise
'Cause I'll do just what I said I would
Joy comes in the morning
Just believe I'm working it out for you"

"Said I'll never leave you. Promised to stay always. You can count on me when you need a friend. If you put your trust in me, you will never be lonely. 'Cause I'll be by your side 'till the end." - William Becton & Friends, "'Till the End" (I always knew the soloist sounded like Kenny Lattimore!!)

EDIT:

Okay Diary, looks like I'ma be having an update every damn day up in this piece! LOL!

I got a nice lil response from the Diaryland Support folks that has fixed the problem I was having with my archives. Now, everything's honky dory. Well, not so much 'cause there's other thangs I wanna do. But for now, everything is at least accessible. I think I'ma be stickin' wit Diaryland as long as they keep it comin' with all these improvements.

I hate the smell of tar. I really do. It closes up my windpipe and I can't breathe. And here I am in the office and the smell of tar is so strong it's damn-near burning my eyes... Lord, help me.

But Michael, Diary. Mr. Jackson. Can you believe he said "doo doo" on national television?! Oh my goodness! That is hilarious! I'm really starting to see how some people can feel he didn't do what it is alleged that he did. His mind seems too childlike for him to do something like that (even though I still think he did something inappropriate at some time or another with a child).

But instead of hanging him up by a noose in the media, the focus needs to be reverted back to R. Kelly. I just still can't believe that man has not been imprisoned for his crime. I just can't. And people have the nerve to talk about all the other "wrongs" being done in society when R. Kelly is free to make money and prosper after being caught doing what he did... I tell you.

Lastly, Aid poured in from around the world after President Mohammad Khatami appealed for help from anywhere but Israel. "help from anywhere but Israel"... I tell you.

antes - despues