2003-12-01 - 12:28 p.m.

Diary, I've been asking EVERYBODY and nobody seems to have an answer. Since you always help me find the answers I'm searching for, you're probably the one who can help me. This is gonna be a tough question though, so brace yourself:

What in the hell-heezy-fo-sheezy happened to the month of November?!

Diary, do you realize that it is DECEMBER?!! DECEMBER, DIARY! DECEMBER!!! The last month of the year. The last month of the 22nd year of my life.

And I made it! LOL! Diary, I made it! Damn, I can't believe it. I really can't.

My life, boy I tell you. I never could have imagined it going the way it has. Never. Not when I was growing up. Not in that house living with my aunt and her two daughters. Not on that street where Hussy and her friends sold crack and prostituted out of a house one house away from mine.

Not when I was growing up without my father in sight. Not when I was struggling with my weight from elementary all the way to high school. Not when there were times (aplenty) when there was no money, period. Not when I was lonely and hurting.

No, I never could have imagined my life working out the way it has. Never could have. And just to think. I'm not even one-fourth of the way done with it. I haven't really even seen anything yet.

I really like December though. It's all about looking back over and wondering what the future will bring. I really love it. Cold wind (as much as I hate the cold), having the heater on (finally!), relaxing days and calm nights, Christmas carols (no Ashanti, thank you)...yes, I even enjoy standing in line at Kmart for last minute cards and gag gifts on Christmas Eve (I'm a masochist, remember? LOL!)

I'm going to make the most of this December too. I don't know how. Well, I do have an idea but I'm tired of mentioning it and then having it fall through so I won't mention it but I'm really gonna do my best to make it happen. Anyway.

I'm gonna have me a good time for these next 31 days. Gotta get ready for the blast that 2004 is going to be (name it, claim it - it's mine!).

Onto the Thanksgiving Weekend Recap...

My weekend was the bomb-diggety. I really got a lot of rest, which I didn't expect at all. I guess I just made that happen. I took advantage of EVERY opportunity I had to sleep. I really did. LOL. And all was well.

Thanksgiving was, like I said, just another day. My family did take the time to express what we were thankful for and that made me love my family even more because I realized that, overall, we are a thankful family. Nobody was saying anything different from what they say any other day. Meaning, we are all thankful and grateful everyday and we always let it be known so Thanksgiving Day was basically just a time for us to get together to eat (man, that potato salad was off the chain!).

What had me laughing was the fact that there are so many diabetics up in my family. That's not funny. What is funny is that my one aunt that doesn't have diabetes made THE SWEETEST peach cobbler I have ever had in my life! Thang was so sweet it had my head spinning and I ain't nowhere near a diabetic! (Now I know why I couldn't see when I went to drive a few places that evening. It was that damn peach cobbler!) And nobody wanted to hurt her feelings so everybody ate it, just chased it down with big ole' cups of water.

A nice little cold front came through too. It got down in the 50's on Saturday so you know I was dying! 70 is my limit. Once it gets lower than 70, I am all uncomfortable. I still went out in the cold but I tell you one thing Diary, if it's in the 60's, I might have to really evaluate whether I want to go wherever it is I'm headed out to. Less than 60 and it probably won't even be a question. I just won't go.

I was extremely cold the other night. My knees were acting a fool and my elbows kept locking up. And I don't even have arthritis! Imagine that!

And guess what Diary. I wish I had written about it sooner 'cause I had so many thoughts going on while it was happening and as soon as I left. But I didn't feel like posting until now so, some of those feelings have been lost to the moment. And that's cool too.

I finally took the first step to having my hair loc'd! FINALLY! LOL!

Yes Diary. I sat down and got the process started. It is really about time. But it felt like the right time so I'm glad I didn't do it sooner. Everything about it just felt right.

I told the lady twisting my hair that it felt like I was giving birth or something. I felt like I was in a delivery room, for real! That's the only way I could really explain what I was feeling. And I've never really felt like that before. It just felt like I was ushering in a new something. A new something into my world. A new me? Feels like it.

It's all about the commitment. For once, I'm doing something for myself. I'm doing something that is really going to test my willpower and my strength and my individuality. I'm doing something that will cause me to focus on myself without any conventionality, without the comfort of being so regular. I'm so excited! LOL.

I got it done and looked in the mirror. I've had twists before but never this tight. They look like little locs already, just much thinner. But it was weird, the second look was. The first look, I just saw the beginning of the process. I was all elated! LOL.

The second look was a bit more of a tester. I almost felt like I didn't look feminine. I started to wonder if I would still be found attractive by the opposite sex. I started to wonder if my sexual preference would be assumed to be the opposite of what it is. I started to wonder if I would be able to stick with the whole thing. I started to wonder if I really wanted to do this.

I kept looking in the rearview mirror at my hair and how it looked in combination with my face. Then, I realized that a part of me having my hair loc'd is to stop worrying about my outward appearance. It's a way for me to stop worrying about what others think of me. Already it's working.

It has caused me to really look at my face and see the natural beauty that exists there: Wide eyes. Full mouth. Beautiful smooth clear dark skin. I'm noticing the natural confidence I had before but didn't really realize. The way I walk. The way I talk. That confidence has always been there. I was just suppressing it in trying to gauge what others thought of me. This hair journey. This is about to help me find myself. It really is.

And the numerous compliments and glances and outright stares and offers I've received since Friday afternoon just because of my hair have showed me that I never need have worried about how others would perceive me. My hair is just that. My hair. It is not me. Just like Houston is not Texas. It is a part of Texas. (this was how I explained cities and states to my little cousin) My hair is a part of me. However, it is not J. It is not me. I can cut it all off and still be me.

But I am still so happy that I've embarked on this damn hair journey. I expect it will be more fun and exciting than I ever could have imagined. (LOL @ the fact that I NEVER could have imagined myself having natural hair.) And I'm sure that these individuals will have a lot to do with my success. They are a wonderful source of encouragement and knowledge.

Now that I don't have to comb it anymore (thank you Lord!), I hope to fall in love with my hair and nurture it. I'm not thinking about length right now, I just want it to loc up and be loc'd. That's all I'm thinking about.

Damn, I feel rested today. That would be excellent if I had a whole buncha-muncha work to do but since both of my supervisors are out today and the main one is gonna be out all week and I depend on him for my work... We'll see. We'll just see.

I'm gonna go find something to get into Diary. In the meantime:

"He's got infinite possibilities, I can see them now. He's broken the chains of his past by which he's bound." - Amel Larrieux, "Infinite Possibilities"

antes - despues