Goodbye Love.
2003-11-25 - 12:27 p.m.
Now, Diary, you know something has to be on my mind for me to do two entries in one day! LOL. But it's just something that's pushing it's way out. I need to remember feeling this way. So, here goes.
I wanna sing-write... What song, what song?
"She stays alone
Never sheds a single tear
She stays in the coolest moods
Clearly, woman of the year
She and all her girlfriends
They go out
Dressed to win
She comes back to the cooler side of town
But she lives in my lap
She lives in my lap
She lives in my lap
She lives in my lap
She lives in my lap
Oh, she lives in my lap (forever my fiancee)
She lives in my lap
She lives in my lap
I'll get the courage one day
Make me want you
Make me miss you
Make me wonder where you are
Then forget you
Girl, remind me
Just who we are
We're oh so close
But yet so far
You've got me open wide (I love you)
Just come inside (baby)
It's yours, I'm yours, for sure
Play, baby play
She lives in my lap
She lives in my lap
She lives in my lap
She lives in my lap
Oh, she lives in my lap (forever my fiancee)
She lives in my lap
She lives in my lap
I'll get the courage one day
You've got me open wide
It's yours, I'm yours
Play, baby play"
Now that's a relationship song. They just ain't got they ish together. It's funny but it ain't. It's more sad than funny, which is sad.
I think I could live the rest of my life single and be alright knowing that I had somebody out there that was as caught up with me as I was with them. Like, neither one of us could move on because we were so caught up in each other. Something like that.
Where we couldn't live with or without each other. Kind of a toxic relationship. Drama-filled but more emotional than dramatic. Tears. Hugs. Breakups to makeups.
But in reality, I cannot handle something like that. It would literally make me sick. Like, it would cause me to be ill. Physically and mentally.
So I don't want something like that. Don't want it at all. Don't want a relationship that isn't understandable to me. Don't want a relationship where I don't know why I'm still around.
It's the end of the year. I'm reflecting on this past year - the way my life has changed, my dealings with the opposite sex mostly. Mainly my relationship with Broken Promises. It's not intentional. I guess I just have so much thinking time on my hands that I can't help it.
I'm not sitting here longing for what I thought we had. None of that. I'm just thinking about it. Looking at how I changed because of it. The choices I've made because of it.
He really opened my heart. That's like "wow" to me. I never thought my heart could be pried open. Yeah, I said pried open. I ain't even have a lock on my heart 'cause I didn't think there was a key in existence that could open it up. My heart was in an air-tight container in my chest. Couldn't nothin' get in. But he found a way.
He punched a hole in the side or somethin'! LOL. I don't know WHAT he did. And I ain't even see it coming! LOL!
But I'm so glad it happened. For real. I'm so glad it ended too. Toxic. Unhealthy. Too much of a dependency on both of our parts.
But needed by me at the time. Needed by me period. Because of that situation, I was able to test out my heart a few more times. I was able to walk around, making decisions with the brain in my chest rather than the one in my head. And what was good and fun about that was, I made those decisions and felt like I was living. I kept telling myself, "Oh, you only live once. Might as well do what you want to do."
Before Broken Promises, I was so analytical with my decisions. So cautious. So afraid to even try.
But after him, I became a part of the fray instead of being the observer I always was.
And it was fun. I said "was". I hear you Diary. "'Was' already?!" Yeah, "was" already.
Like I said, it was fun. I don't regret ANY of my decisions. None of them. Even when I ended up with those two stalkers. I still ain't regret my decisions. LOL.
But I'm ready to go back to what's comfortable to me. What's familiar to me. I'm ready to crawl back into my hole and just be an observer.
Using my heart makes me think to much. Makes me wonder too much. Makes me care, makes me hurt, makes me happy...makes me too many different things.
I get so caught up that sometimes I forget who I am. I live for the day instead of the future like I used to. Honestly, it's the most fun I've ever had in my life. But maybe it's just too much fun for someone like me.
I can't explain it Diary. I'm sitting here trying to understand why I enjoy so much being unemotional. Why I would rather just go through life doing everything but loving. I can't understand it.
Defense mechanism, I know. Protection, I know. But it's so much more fun to love. So much more fun to care. So much more fun to live.
I don't know. Maybe I feel like I'm not focused. Maybe I want to get focused. All my life I've been on a straight path. School, school, school. Now I'm working. Not where I want to work, but not a bad job either.
Does it really all go back to school? Does school really mean that much to me? Yeah, I think so. It's all I've ever known. One of the most constant things in my life. Now I'm not in it. Haven't even applied. Damn, I ain't know it was that serious to me. LOL.
But yeah, I think I'm ready for a break from my heart, for real. Just for a little while. A few years maybe. We'll see.
And Diary, I want to remember that I'm not sad while writing this. I'm not depressed while writing this. I really don't feel anything while writing this. It's just been something that has been lurking at the back of my mind for a little while now. It finally came to the surface.
Last night, in the darkness and way under the covers, I heard it. Heard it over Andre's voice. Heard it over Andre's voice and the instruments playing in the song. Heard it over all that and the "nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh" that goes through the song. I actually remember not hearing anything at certain points but the thoughts in my head.
Didn't even intend to acknowledge them today but they came at me so I had to tell you and me too. So now you and I know what's been on my mind and you and I know how I will handle it, Diary.
Or rather I know. It's so much better to see the words rather than trying to put them all together while they fly around my mind. A bunch of detached words with wings converging to make coherent thoughts. It's weird sometimes, Diary.
But that's why you're here. Thank You.
I already sang you out and in and out and in today, so I'll leave it alone for now. But still:
"[I] stay alone, never sheds a single tear. [I] stay in the coolest moods. Clearly, woman of the year." Andre Benjamin, "She Lives In My Lap"