2003-11-17 - 9:05 a.m.

Since I'm not having any lonely feelings these days, I can easily talk about love situations. Yes, Diary, you allow me to do that. And I thank you for your listening(reading) ear(eye).

I was listening to Anthony talkin' 'bout he would "rather you slit me 'cross the throat so I can diiieeee" which in turn made me think about Lil' Mo yellin' out how she would wish she could "lay down and diiieeee"...

You mean to tell me that the pain of losing a love can get so great that you would just rather your life to end to escape that pain? You'd just rather "diiieee"?! Goodness. And people wonder why some of us have such attitudes towards love! Hmph!

For real though. I have seen folk go into a deep depression over some love lost, ya know? That livin'-in-the-bed-can't-eat-can't-sleep-don't-go-to-work/class kinda depressed. Skin-start-turnin'-colors-'cause-they-ain't-washed-in-days kinda depressed. And even though I ain't never really been in love, the closest I got to it was extremely painful for me to deal with after all was said, not (and still ain't after Friday night's conversation) done. *shakin' my head*

I wonder if I could just grow up, get rich, get me a dog, adopt me some kids and pretend to live happily ever after? They say after you do something for so long, it starts to get real to ya. Maybe I'd get so comfortable in my so-called life that I would just forget that a man wasn't around. *see the contemplation on my face*

Maybe I could just be so happy with my kids and my material things that not having a pair of rippling biceps and tree-trunk like forearms rocking me to sleep at night *calm it down girl!* would not even be an issue. Maybe my world travels and endless party activities would place a curtain over my heart and let me forget that I am made of feelings.

Then again, that whole plan could backfire on me. *there's that look of contemplation again* Maybe having my kids and all those things would remind me that I was by my damn self. That I had no significant other to share my feelings with, to share my "happiness" with. Maybe that so-called life would remind me that I wasn't really living at all.

Love�life...living..."Love is life and life is living." Damn, da-damn, damn! Now I gotta sit down and make me a plan B. *kickin' rocks*

Guide-dog it! LOL.

But for real. Anthony and Mo just made me think, u know? Do I really want to sit down and emotionally invest so much of myself into another person with the chance that that person would leave me lonely and have me even havin' thoughts of wanting it all to end - the pain, my life as I know it? Do I really feel comfortable doing that? Shucks, do I even really feel like doing that at this free point in my life? Honestly. Come on now Diary. Be honest.

I see you lookin' at my argument and you honestly want to say "no, it doesn't make sense to give yourself to another like that at this point in your life." But I know you want me to love so that I may have life so that I may live so you'd rather say, "Girl, just hold on. Everybody gotta go through it! It's a part of life!". Well Diary, I ain't up for the bullcrap right about now.

I'm just havin' too much fun being single and doing what the hell I want to do. I'm havin' too much fun flirtin' and holdin' booty calls at bay for no reason other than because I can (and I shouldn't be indulgin' in booty calls anyway, right?). I'm havin' too much fun wastin' time with my friends. I'm havin' too much fun not thinkin' about "Is he thinkin' about me the way I'm thinkin' about him?" and "Is he really sincere about what he's sayin' to me?" and all them otha thoughts that flow through ya mind when you into somebody. I'm just havin' too much fun right now.

And I ain't sorry about the fun I'm havin' either! I'm happy I'm havin' fun!

So, Diary, until you give me a call saying that you have signed the UPS or FedEx computer screen thingy when Mr. Right has officially been delivered by my father up above, make sure the memo gets out: Like Monica said, "Don't come knockin' at my doe!"

I sho'll ain't 'bout to be singin' along with Anthony or Lil' Mo no time soon, talkin' 'bout:

"Don't think that I could carry on. In fact I'd be a mess for the rest of my life. I'd prob'ly wish I could lay down and diiieeee 'cause I'd be so lost without you. Don't think that I'd be able to stand. Don't think I'd ever fall in love again. If you�d ever wanna leave I�d know these words to be true 'cause I'd be so lost without you." Lil' Mo - "So Lost Without You"

antes - despues