2003-10-21 - 10:37 a.m.

References to my father made me uncomfortable yesterday.

When I dropped her off, my aunt got out of the car saying, "Look at you girl. Lookin' like ----- (his name)!"

Other things were said yesterday in reference to him but that comment right there was the one that bothered me the most.

It made me think about the fact that he wants to be in my life NOW and all of the expectations that he has for the relationship between he and I.

I remember when I went to meet with him and his wife when he came down to Miami to visit. Not visit ME, mind you. He came to visit a friend of his and, since he was down here, figured he'd look me up so we could see each other.

He was basically telling me that I should give him a chance and all this other bull... Man, I ain't tryna hear awl-lat!

I don't think about it often but when I do, it just really bothers me. This fool wants me to call him and e-mail him and all this other crap. I don't even call or e-mail the people I WANT to call or e-mail, so how you expect me to call and e-mail YOU?!

The people that I care about know how I do. They know it's hard for me to keep in contact but they also know that I'm most likely thinking about them more than enough. Him? He "can't understand why I can't take the time to send a simple line" or some shit like that he said.

'Cause I can't nigga! That's why!

Ugh! It's just making me angry and I wasn't even thinking about this crap this morning. How the hell did this mess creep up in my damn mind?

*inhale, exhale* Whooo... Time to come back to myself...

I still got some tension in the back of my neck but I refuse to let this ruin the rest of my day.

Onto other things...

My suicidal cousin called the police on her mother... Nobody wants to admit that the girl needs medical attention. There is nothing we can do for her outside of praying and everyone is doing plenty of that. She needs to be committed somewhere so that they can help her with her problems. She has all these feelings that she doesn't even understand where they are coming from. She has delusions and so much anxiety. I think it's schizophrenia 'cause she has a few of the symptoms...

But my family likes to handle "scandal" amongst themselves rather than doing what needs to be done. Everybody is skirting around the main issue: she needs help. I'm gonna do what I can to find her a program and try to help her get into it. She may never speak to me again but she's barely speaking to me now anyways. I'd rather her not speak to me and live a life where she could know some semblance of happiness rather than what she's doing now.

And it's sad 'cause as little girls, we were raised as sisters. She's only days younger than me. I always noticed a lot of anger in her but it started to get bad in middle school. Even though we went to the same school, people didn't know we were related because we were so different. We lived in the same house but lead two totally different lives. Things just got worse and worse from that point on.

When her older sister went away to college, she really lost it. Everything has been downhill since then. Never gone uphill once since that time. And her sister has no plans of coming back so that aid is out the window. And it makes no sense to send her up to be with her sister because her sister is barely able to take care of herself... It's just really frustrating all around.

I just want her to get some help so that she can live a functional life. I am not saying I want her to be like me in any way. That is where a lot of the problems started with her disliking me in the first place.

I remember even though her mother treated me like crap, she constantly would say to my cousin, "Why can't you be like J? Why can't you get the grades J gets? Why can't you do what J does?" Constantly. Everyday. I know that's why my cousin doesn't speak to me now. I would ask her to stop but she would just keep going. Honestly, I believe that many of my cousin's mental issues stem from her mother.

*the "DING DING, ding ding..." from I Can't Live" just came on. I'm for real when I say that sound comforts me. It really does. I feel my shoulders relaxing...

That's all the sign I need. No more of this here being angry and upset for right now. I'ma pray about the situation with my father.

I'ma pray about my cousin...but I'm also gonna look up some programs for her too. The whole thing has gone on for too many years. It's time to get her some help.

antes - despues