Holes
2003-10-17 - 9:14 a.m.
It's 'bout to be the weekend again. Wow. Woop de doo. LOL. Naw, I'm not being pessimistic about it or anything. I just don't have any major plans so I don't have anything to be excited about with regards to the next few days. I am looking forward to doing some cleaning...which says a lot. LOL.
One thing I really don't like. Not that I can't stand it because I am black and I understand how negroes and time work. My problem with CP time: If you are running late, LET ME KNOW. Don't have me sitting up here, wondering where you are, if you're okay, etc., etc. Left to its own devices, my mind starts running a marathon, conjuring up traffic accidents and police arrests that could be the 'cause of you running late.
You have a cell phone. Use it. I have a cell phone. Call it. I don't get angry at the fact that you're late 'cause I expect most people to be so. My whole thing is just call me. Say, "J, I'm running a lil' late but I'm coming." That's all I ask.
I don't want you to get all the way over here and find me sitting in front of the window, pacing back and forth, doing the count to ten exercise to calm myself down. That's not good for you. Not at all.
You call and let me know you gon' be late, I'll just lay myself down on a bed or a couch or I'll watch a lil' tv. That's all. I won't cuss you out for having me sitting up here fully dressed when you ain't gon' be here for another two hours. I won't hang up in your face 'cause I broke my neck to get to da house to get ready so I'd be on time. Naw, I won't do nunna dat.
Just let me know what's goin' on. That's all I ask.
And I felt bad yesterday for something. I went into this dollar store to get me some Avon deodorant. (Yep, I still use it.) The clerk was the only person up in that mug. He said he didn't recognize me, that he knows every face that comes into the store for various reasons (he's been there forever. he even worked at the pharmacy that was there before the store turned into a dollar store). He asked me my name and I gave it. He told me his name as we shook hands. I said, "Good, so next time I come, you'll know my name." He said, "I'm not too good with names but I never forget a face so don't hold it against me if I don't remember your name." I said, "Okay, I understand. See you next time." and I walked out the door.
Now, why do I feel bad? I mean, I was very nice, much nicer than I usually am upon first meeting someone. I took the time to listen to damn-near his life story without making it seem like I was in a rush (which I was). I gave the man my name, which I never do. I was so sweet and nice...
I feel bad because I completely dismissed this man's name from my memory. I have to wonder if I even listened when he said it. I don't think I did. After the way I was holding him to remembering my name and I never even applied the brain power to remember his. I feel bad about that. I don't want to dismiss from my mind anything about anybody without giving them the chance to give me reason to do that. Me no lyk dat...
AAI(AlwaysAnIssue)'s birthday is today... She wants to go to this club on South Beach called Zno's. It's owned by Benzino, the one from the Source who can't stand Eminem. That club is NEVER hype on a Friday night.
Okay, I take that back. It was probably hype last Friday being that it was Source Weekend and all. But other than that, Friday nights over there are dead. Why she wants to go there? I can't understand. It's not like it's a special night or nothing. She just wants to go. And it ain't like we ain't never been inside, 'cause we have. The place is just dead. Period. So why would you want to go there to celebrate your birthday?
AAI...that's a case right there. You know how you have certain friends that drain you so much, but you don't want to end that friendship 'cause the fun times come back to you and you know that if you weren't in their life, things would be harder than they already are for that person? That's the way it is between AAI and me.
There is really always an issue with her. Most of the times we talk, she calls me and I don't even get a chance to get a "hey" out. She's on the other line saying, "Girl, you know there's always an issue..." and she then proceeds to go into a rant about how her family is pimping her for her money or the no good nigga she dealing with has done another no good thing to her or she just really can't stand the job her brother got her...
It gets to be the same things all the time and it starts to grate on my nerves! But it's so hard to tell her to get a grip and make her life the one she wants it to be. She is of a particular zodiac sign and certain aspects of that sign are highlighted in who she is: tendency to wait on making a decision until the opportunity is long gone, sticking with the "familiar" (i.e. what everybody else is doing) instead of stepping out on her own and doing something different, holding in her feelings to the point where she doesn't have an opinion of her own, notsayingordoinganythingaboutaprobleminthehopethatit'llgoawayonitsowneventhoughit'sveryobviousthattheproblemisheretostayuntilsomethingisdoneorsaidaboutit! (this is the one that really gets to me)...
She never has money but always wants to ride out, no way to get anywhere but she always wants to ride out (homegirl lives a good 40 minutes out of my way)... "Then why do you take her?" 'Cause she make a female feel bad if she gets left out of anything. Starts talking about how bad her day, week, month, year has been, how much she needs to get out and have a good time, how she doesn't remember that 'cause she wasn't there when we did it last time 'cause nobody called to let her know... She is very good with putting the guilt trip on a female. And forget me going to her with my problems. Like I said, I don't even get the chance to get the "hey" out before I'm bombarded with all her issues (the same ones everytime).
And I do take full responsibility 'cause it's not my place to try to make her life good. I just can't help it. If I see somebody needing something, I'm the first one to try to help them. I spent hours at my job and at home trying to find her a job when she wouldn't put in the right kind of effort to look for one. I spent time looking up cars she could afford when she kept talking about getting a car but never stepped out to look for one. I've paid her way too many times to count (if she paid me back, I'd be a thousandaire right about now.) I've listened to her rant and rave and taken on her negativity so she could feel like she had somebody on her side.
I mean damn, it's hard enough carrying myself. Carrying her too is draining-draining-draining me and has been for too long. I just hate cutting off friendships but I really have to start looking at myself and doing what's best for me.
There have been times that I could have done something that would have greatly benefited me but with her in mind, I held back from doing them. Places I've wanted to go but because she couldn't go 'cause she didn't have the money (even though I was working less and had more bills than her), I didn't go.
Yeah, yeah, it's all my fault. I'm ultimately responsible. I just have a problem with caring about other people's feelings too much. And?! That's my perogative. And yeah, I'm complaining about it. I'm always gonna complain about it until I get myself out of the situation. I'm still hanging on 'cause I'm hoping that one day, it will actually click and the simple changes she can make will be made and the fun times will be had more than the getting-on-my-damn-nerve times.
The sad thing is, I'm probably waiting on a day that will never come.