"And a sunny day..."
2003-10-15 - 2:55 p.m.
What really makes my day? The piano chord at the very beginning of "I Can't Live" by Mariah Carey. Yeah. The "DING DING, ding ding, DING DING, ding ding" right before she begins singing. I can be thinking anything or doing everything. Doesn't matter. As soon as I hear those notes, it's like my mind clears. I don't really understand why, being that that's such a sad song. I don't feel like that at this point in my life 'cause I ain't got no good reason to. And why would I be happy at that kind of sadness?
Maybe 'cause I'm not feelin' that way right now. Not that that's necessarily a good thing. I guess for me, not feeling anything is better than that kinda pain in a way.
My mind clears when I hear "dut doo doo" at the beginning of Bilal's "You Are" and "boop boop boop boop boop boop" on Maxwell's "CocoCure". The heartbeat on "Heaven" by Tweet also provides me with some mental clarity. These notes here also put a smile on my face. I start to feel the sunshine even though it's nightime and I'm waaay up under my covers. For real! I hear birds chirping and all that foolishness.
Where they come from? I don't know. But they're some of my all-time favorite feelings.
Just like the smell of Avon 24-hour unscented deodorant is one of my favorite smells. Reminds me of the comfort of laying up under my mother's arm. I used to have my face all up in her armpit! She'd fuss and fuss: "J, get out from up under my arm!" LOL. Ahhh, those were the days...
Which reminds me, I'm still afraid of "Thriller" - the song AND the video.
As I was getting ready for work this morning, the song was on the radio. It didn't really bother me too much until my mother started doing the dances from the video and then that creepy man's voice came through talkin' 'bout "Darkness falls across the land..." I promptly turned the radio off and scolded my mother for bringing up those bad memories.
I used to hide behind the gold chair in the center of the living room when the video would come on. I'd stick my fingers into my ears all the way to my eardrums trying to block out the scary sounds and scary laughter from Michael and that guy. (why can't I remember his name?!) My family would crowd around me and laugh, which didn't make it any better.
One day, in my mid-teens, the video came on and I was home alone. I decided I'd try to be brave and watch the whole mini-movie all the way through without running away. I remember standing (barely) once the video was over. I was shaking like a leaf.
I can't understand how, in other areas, I was and still am fearless. But when it comes to Thriller or anything like a scary movie, I'm so afraid, I'm about to pass out.
I mean, I struggled (and I do mean struggled) through The Ring and had to have a friend of mine give me some comforting Bible verses to read just so I could go to sleep that night. On the other hand, my momma laughed the whole way through the movie. Didn't flinch or jump once. I couldn't even pass by the tv while she watched it, I was still so scared.
Okay, no more scary thoughts.
The dog is doing good, by the way. He only barks outside and that's only when he sees his little dog-friend from across the street. He's a sleeper though. I hope he's not depressed...
I owe my two little sisters an e-mail. I don't know what to say, that's why I don't say anything. It's bad 'cause they sent me an e-mail at the beginning of September and I have yet to reply. I think about it everytime I sign onto the 'net but I just can't bring myself to do it. I'll force myself to over the weekend. Sunday. Yeah, Sunday.
I didn't know I didn't have a present father until junior high when I went to school with white kids whose parents came out together in droves to performances, parent-teacher meetings, open houses, etc. At my all-black elementary school, nobody's father was visible, much less present in their lives. Except Nakeisha, Bobbie and Sherman. Other than that, nobody's father was in the picture. I didn't even know they were supposed to be...until junior high.
"I remember the day...can't forget the hour you left, you left, you left..."
P.S. What's up with all the reappearances?! Can a female AT LEAST get a warning?! Happy to have ya'll back nonetheless.