2003-10-09 - 9:03 a.m.

10-09-03

My version of "Free" - Deniece Williams:

"Can't stand haikus and that's me

Me

Me

I'ma keep doing my thing

Yeah

Thing

Thing"

The ONE time I post something that I really really wasn't gonna post (mostly because it was kind of an inside thing), that's when I get noticed. Ain't that 'bout a b&$%* LOL!

EDIT: I thought about it. I don't consider myself to be a love hater. However, I do hate on the sappy stuff. Yes, yes. I stand behind my "hating on the sappy stuff". Furthermore, I find it puzzling how some (and I stress some) individuals completely allowed their eyes to straight RUN past the "ME"s and "I"s that overpopulated my previous post. Moreover, I feel it is important to reference this entry for a little more insight into what I meant and how I said it.

But most of what I wrote, that's honestly the way I feel.

And I'm happy things went down this way 'cause it lets me know I've changed in a way. Yeah, this may be "only the internet" but it's still a part of my life so for something to happen here, it's something that's happening in my life.

What the hell am I talking about? Well I realized that, were I to have approached this the way I normally would have, firstly, I would have been absolutely heartbroken that anyone even expressed (especially publicly) that they did not agree with what I had to say. I would have tried to explain each and every line of what I wrote so that they (and everybody else) could see my point and know that I wasn't trying to be this or that and all-a that.

Secondly, I would have taken offense at the fact that someone did not agree with what I had to say since everything I used to say was right because I used to be all-knowing.

Thirdly, I would not have agreed with anything the other person had to say because I would have been right regardless because I would have been right period - end of discussion.

Now, however, I understand that different people have different opinions. And I understand that different life experiences generate different opinions. And I realize that I am 22 and, although I feel I have done a lot o' livin', I haven't really even seen the whole tippy top of the iceberg when it comes to living life.

And for now, I realize that *standing up in the recovery meeting* I am a love hater. *acting hard and isht* Please pass the glass of water. LOL! (Please see EDIT above.)

One thing I want to say before I forget (and yes, it is kind of a defense of some things I wrote - so what?! I'm not gon' repeat the title of this space again): The individual I "attacked", they and I have an understanding. (The kids, man! What about the children?!)

Fourthly (yeah, back to those), I may have stopped posting because of fear that my future opinions (and even past) would come under heavy scrutiny by various members of the weblog community, rendering me an outcast - a non-read! (Oh, the horror!)

Now? I really couldn't care less because I really do realize:

THIS IS MY DAMN DIARY. THE OPINIONS AND VIEWS EXPRESSED HERE ARE THE OPINIONS AND VIEWS THAT I HAVE ON VARIOUS ISSUES IN MY LIFE AND HOW THEY PERTAIN TO ME (except in my judgements of members of the MTB2 cast and Puffy and 50 Cent and...LOL...okay, let me stop here).

Like I've said before, I write so that, when I look back over my life, I will be able to see where my mind was at a specific time in my life. I write this on October 9, 2003 so that on October 9, 2004, I can look back 365 days and see exactly what I was thinking and how I'm thinking then differs (if at all) from how I'm thinking now.

And I know I read everybody else's stuff so I would never try to discourage someone from writing what they feel...even if the sight of it makes me want to gag because it's so freakin' *in my Chingy voice* sweeeeet.

One thing this made me think about was, as much of an evidence-needing individual that I am, did I really need evidence to believe and trust in God?

The answer: Yes.

And he knows this.

I did not fully believe in God until the age of 18 because of many of the things I had to deal with growing up. I know specifically when I started actually believing. The situation may make me seem one way but I know that without that situation, that evidence, I would not have been able to have the relationship that I do have with God today. And that's me. I had to see to believe that he was there and when he showed me, it turned my whole life around.

I do not need to be shown any further. The proof is in the pudding (the literal kind actually elicits a desire to vomit from me - just thought I'd put that in there), as they say. I've never been happier.

Love, on the other hand, still has some 'splayneeng to do. I only need to be convinced real good once though, so I'm optimistic.

Me? OPTIMISTIC?! What an oxymoron! (Sarcasm, people. Sarcasm.)

Anyway, I will continue to post Monday - Friday for the obvious reasons. Overall, I'm happy this happened. I'm still feelin' kindergarten-lookin' pictures over haikus anyday (mostly because I feel that anybody and they momma can do a 5-7-5 or 17 *ahem* but it takes a special man to sit and doodle me a picture). I'm still lovin' Lil' Mo's albums. I'm still pushin' Da ECHO. And I'm still representin' da M-I-A. Ain't a thang gon' change with the way I express myself. This'll all probably help me be more honest in the end.

And remember, I openly confess to being a hypocrite. Never denied that.

So it's understandable that in my wallet I carry a poem written for me by my first date ever while we were on our date even though I didn't and still don't like his butt. Why? 'Cause it was *once again, in my Chingy voice* sweeeeet.

But his words were and still are cheap to ME in regards to ME. Baleeedat.

Anyway, happy blogging.

antes - despues