Walking Blindly
2003-10-06 - 12:29 p.m.
This morning, I realized that it was October. No, I'm not THAT out of it. LOL.
I'll say that this morning, I just realized that someone was supposed to be going somewhere in October. In other words, I realized that that someone has probably already headed to the place they're going to.
The someone has been in my city since the end of August. As much as I "wanted" to see that someone and they wanted to see me, we never actually met up.
He kept missing me and I kept missing him. It just never worked out. When I thought about the fact that he's probably gone by today, it just reminded me that if things are not supposed to happen, they're not gonna happen. That's the way it is with me and my life.
Anything or anybody that's not supposed to be in my life will not be in my life, no matter how much of an effort I put into making it, or them, so.
That's why it's hard for me to do certain things that I really want to do. I can feel things being hampered from happening. I realize when that is being done. And I know why it's being done and by whom.
But I am so curious and so inquisitive. I want the opportunity to explore so many of these things but it's hard for me to indulge when the opportunity does present itself because I'm thinking about what's wrong and right and all that.
Sometimes I wish I didn't have so much of a conscience and so much consciousness of what is happening in my life.
On the other hand, where the heck would I be without it?
I get comfort in knowing that he knows what's best for me. He's helping me to stay away from situations that could negatively impact my life. He's leading me in the right direction.
But sometimes, I feel like I want to see for myself. Just like a bad child, I feel like I want to do certain things in a reckless fashion. I feel like I want to have a scab as big as a hand on my right calf. I feel like I want to wear a bruise on my upper left arm. I feel like I want to have my entire left leg in a cast.
I say "I feel like" because I'm not necessarily wanting to be in these situations. That doesn't stop me from wondering how these things would be.
Growing up, I was so aware of the consequences of bad behavior that I avoided it at all costs. I wasn't a goody-two-shoes because I wanted to be. I was just too afraid of getting in trouble. I knew that if I did A or B, I was gonna get a spanking. A beating was not worth the experience to me then.
I'm not saying a figurative beating is worth it to me now. I am saying that sometimes, I just feel like I wish I could disregard the consequences of an action I was looking into taking and dive head-first into the fire. I just feel like I want to know how being in the midst of the fire feels; damn the burns.