August 22nd.
2003-08-22 - 11:13 a.m.
"I let my tape rock 'till my tape popped!"
I believe things like that are what made Biggie the icon he is, ya know? He saying that, just like I did when I was little, he played that cassette tape over and over 'till the tape broke. Probably sat next to the speaker tryin' to catch what they were sayin' or tryin' to catch the rythm to that beat just like I did when I was a little girl... Probably got mad when that tape popped 'cause he knew he wouldn't be able to get that same tape for a while 'cause his money was just as funny as the money in my house round that time... He made it as easy as possible for others in his position to relate.
No more tapes though. Now, I play whatever song over and over via the CD player in my car, since I'm in it so much. I put the volume waaaay up so I can hear even the things in the background. I could never be a producer but I feel I could critique the music to help a producer make something sound better.
My favorite sound in a song right now is the violins in the background of "I Love You" by Faith Evans. I listened to that song from the day Faithfully came out. It was a few months before I heard the way the violins go up and up and up until it's like a frenzy wit 'em. I can't explain it but I can imitate it. I love it! Just hearing the violins begin to escalate in the background when she says, "I love you, I want you, I need you in my life. Can't you see what you mean to me? Baby, come hold me tight." By the time that big, "Ohhhhhhhhh" comes, I'm going crazy! LOL! What a sight to see when I'm driving down the streets...
I don't know what it is about me seeing a man smoke a cigarette... It just makes me sick! I am very critical when it comes to men. I can't stand to watch a man drink a fruity mixed drink. LOL. I know, I know. But to see a man drink a whatever-and-cranberry or a whatever-and-pinneapple. I don't know, it just does something to me. I can't stand it! LOL.
It's a Capricorn's nature to be judgemental and critical. I'm working on the major judgements though, 'cause I sure as hell don't like people judging me. But there are just some things that just get to me! LOL. It seems like the little things work my nerves the most...
I have my cell phone alarm wake me up at 6:05am and then I have my tv come on at 6:10am to make sure I get out of bed. I don't know what happened this morning but the whole sequence of events left me all discombobulated. I went to bed kind of late last night, I understand. But I've never woken up so confused as I did this morning. Not that I can remember anyway. I think it's because, in my dream, this man was trying to wake me up. Maybe he was the one who told me it was 6:40am and I was about to be very late for work. I don't know. All I know is, because of all the mental confusion, I couldn't properly open my eyes for damn-near two minutes while I was in the bathroom - and I hate not being able to use my eyes right! So I was all confused. LOL.
I wrote a poem this morning. I plan on getting up and saying it next week at the poetry lounge... Jitters!
The weeks have flown by and I haven't kept track of them because I knew I wasn't going to be in school this semester. It's just so weird that school is not going to be a part of my life this semester. It's all I've ever known!!! *Like the dramatics? LOL!* For real. I've been out for summers but, up until now, I've never not gone to school for a typical semester. It makes me nervous 'cause I don't want to get caught up and not be prepared to go back come the spring. But I'm sure I'll kick my own butt before I let that happen.
I saw two male prostitutes last night. One was black, the other white. It was so obvious what they were doing. I just never saw a male prostitute before. The black one looked like he was in his teens. I thought about them on my way to work as I was praying. It just hurt me that people get to that point where they just don't care anymore.
They just tryin' to get by. Just tryin' to get something they want. Doin' what they have to do to get it. Walkin' the street until somebody pulls up so they can get some money... I just don't know... It just really had me thinking, thinking, thinking.
And it brought back to mind something I read yesterday in somebody's blog: "Human beings thrive on misery." It's true. And the person wondered why.
When I don't have any drama going on, I'm bored. There's nothing for me to overcome, ya know? I just feel like there's no fight for me to endure. And I get bored.
When there's drama, I'm thinking. I'm explaining. I'm arguing. I'm trying to win, trying to overcome so I have something in the back of my mind that I can refer to the next time I'm going through something.
That's the way it is...with me, anyways. Maybe that's why human beings thrive on misery. Maybe it's the pursuit of misery that places us in certain situations and keeps us in certain situations. For the drama. For the "excitement". For the triumphant feeling if we overcome. Or for the dramatacy (it's my damn diary remember!) of the sadness we feel if we don't.
Honestly, even when my heart was "broken" over a no-good nigga (or at least a nigga who just didn't know no betta), I had this happy feeling in me. I guess I was happy because at least I knew I could feel.
Up until that point, I didn't know if I had the ability to feel or not. So, even a broken heart was better than no feeling. And I could complain and rant and rave and cuss and be mad about it. I could tell my friends "that nigga ain't no good" and I could sing real loud along to a song in the club and raise my drink in the air when somebody was singing about trifling men. And I could ignore him when I saw him out in the streets. And I could turn away the next nigga because I ain't wanna go "through that" again...
Misery brings about emotions and human beings are an emotional species. And misery loves company. Ain't that what you want people around for? For when you're going through something, you want them there to tell you everythang's gonna be alright. Right?
LOL. Damn, I wish I could focus in this diary. But things just pop into my head from all different directions while I'm sitting down in front of a computer. My mind is always processing multiple thoughts at once. But, that's my mind and I love it AND, like I said, THIS IS MY DAMN DIARY so, WHATEVER! LOL!
Aiight. Let's see what the weekend has in store...