2003-06-27 - 10:20 a.m.

**EDIT** Okay, ya girl B has redeemed herself in my eyes. She still did the video but she actually sang more than 50% of the song on the Essence Awards. I would like to know what the whole "dropping the white sheet thing" was about. But other than that, I can honestly say she did her thing this time.

"I still love you

I still love you

I still love you

I decided I still love you

I still love you

I decided"

I hate Pharrell for being who he is! LOL. He seems so freaking nice and he writes songs and produces songs with the rest of the Neptunes... I hate him! I've liked him ever since "Oh No". I can't stand him! LOL. He is just too cute!I've been meaning to get treatment for my Schizophrenia. Please ignore the above episode...then again, this is MY damn diary.

Something I realized this morning made me very happy. I realized that I do not wake up wishing someone (re: a nigga) was in my bed with me like I had been doing for who knows how long. My first priority is to thank God for waking me up and to talk to him. I do it even before I'm fully conscious. I love it! And, as a result, I don't feel as lonely as I used to feel.

In other news, I must say that I am extremely proud of myself. Yesterday at work, one of my supervisors brought over a box of pastries and placed it on MY desk of all places! Why did he do that?! I shoulda won an Oscar for my dead-serious performance. I immediately threw my hands up and starting saying, "I can't have it!" like it was a bunch of SARS infected crustys sitting in front of me.

I'll admit, I scared the man to death. I didn't mean to but I wasn't trying to give myself the opportunity to fall into the death-trap of Cuban pastries. Oh no. That would have been four days of progress down the drain! He picked that box up and carried it right on over to the crumbsnatchers next door.

I'm still very proud of myself. Before, it would have been the natural thing for me to do to pick up that pastry just to have something to snack on even if I wasn't hungry. My mother was just telling me today how, yesterday, somebody in her office brought in a bag of chips and before she realized it, she was over there eating 'em just because that's what she's always done, not because she wanted to. Like I told her and my best friend - "I'm in it to win it this time." I'm tired of going back and forth.

I know what the problem was before. I was afraid to lose weight. My whole life, I've had my weight to use as a crutch. For real. I can remember many times that there was something I wanted to do but I "decided" I wasn't going to do it because I was overweight. In reality, I was just afraid to do whatever it was that I wanted to do. I can't stand rejection or disappointment. But it was easier to justify not doing it to myself if I said I was overweight rather than scared.

I'm not afraid anymore. I realize that "What God has for me it is for me." I can't continue blocking blessings. I've done it and I was completely miserable. I'm accepting my blessings now, receiving them with open arms. I'm going to take chances and learn lessons. I have no excuses anymore. Therefore, I have no reason to hold on to this here weight.

I don't know what made me think that I could consume caffeinated coffee on a regular basis and not suffer any consequences... I'm 'bout to bounce before I have a heart attack up in this piece and it is found out that I was spending my time posting up on a damn Diaryland.

I'll holla.

antes - despues