Caffeine Is My Enemy!
2003-06-25 - 11:24 a.m.
6-25-03
I need to get serious about this thang here. I need to stop knockin' out them sections so that I can complete this. I don't want to leave anybody hanging but I ain't tryna be here forever either. I also need to look into graduate school so that I can keep my damn health insurance.
I don' drank some damn coffee and now I'm anxious as I don't know what. I feel like my body is about to jump into overdrive. I just hope I don't start having chest pains or something... I had to drink it though! I ain't have a choice. It was either fall completely asleep on my desk or get up and get the damn coffee. So, I got up and got the damn coffee. I can feel the blood just rushing through my head. I'm trying to ignore it...
It's day three of my new eating style. I never ended up going to Weight Watchers but that's okay. What I'm doing now is leaving food alone. I'm not starving myself but I'm not dating food either like I've been doing. My life revolves around food. Or it did. I went to the store and stocked up on fresh vegetables and fresh fruit and meat. I'm going to be bringing my lunch and every lunch and dinner will have to contain some kind of vegetable other than potato. I'm going to just take it slow and wean myself off of my dependency on food.
Excercise is the next hurdle. I like running but now, my only option is my treadmill. I could run at a park but I would have to travel kinda far to do that 'cause the ones around me ain't necessarily safe. I am not a fool so I won't be running around my block - I love my life. So, that leaves me with the treadmill. I can do it, it's just that I more enjoy the outdoors. I like scenery while I'm running. And I like to see how far I've run too. On the treadmill, yeah it says however many miles. But out in the open, I can see if I've run a long way and I can be like, "Damn, I ran all this?!". It motivates me. But I'm serious about getting these pounds off so I'ma buckle down and tear up that 'mill.
I'm being confronted by so much change lately that it's not even funny! For some reason, I started thinking about me when I first went to college. I was so naive and so judgemental of those who were doing things that I wasn't doing. But I've changed. I'm not soooo judgemental anymore (I'm still working out the kinks on that). I'm not soooo naive (I still am a little bit though.) My roommate told me that my heart is softening and I have no choice but to agree with that...
I could not stand change. I was so afraid of it. But it's a part of life that I'm beginning to really embrace. Especially now that I can't escape it. I need to step outside of my comfort zone and experience life for real. I thought that's what I was doing for at least the past two years but it wasn't. I was still dependent on the people around me. I still used my environment as a crutch. Now, I'm thinking I need to let go and just do things. I don't mean end friendships and move away. I mean just stop holding back. I need to stop holding myself back and allow me to do things that I want to do without worrying about what who will think or say.
I believe that I have more power than I realize.
Okay. I hear this song everyday by David Bettingfield. Forgot the name. But he says, "I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand. If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?" At first, the song was so nice to me. I loved it. Now, since I hear it everyday because my job has the same radio station on everyday, I'm believing that this fool is a stalker!
Speaking of music... U know I gotta talk about your girl B. I'm still gon' get the CD. Still gon' get that. But I was so mad at her for that performance at the BET Awards. I mean, she wanted to let us know that she will not be singing at her performances. That's not what she will be doing. She is going to dance for us. She wants us to see the dancer in her.
I have never appreciated that approach to live entertainment. I want to hear the damn artist sing the damn song. Yeah, she ad libbed over the track. But I mean homegirl didn't even try to lip synch. I was so disgusted. I mean, if it's all that, don't have background dancers! What are you paying them for if you're the one doing all the dancing? Just play the song in the background and dance around the stage by yourself. That's basically what she did last night. I mean really.
And I can't stand the Ashanti phenomenon (I'm glad that Steve Harvey went on that tirade about the Lifetime Achievement Award). But to me, she did a better job of performing than B. She actually sang the whole song. On the wrong key, but she sang throughout her entire performance. She understands that you can't be doing all that hopping around and make it through the song so she sang rather than danced. She made excellent use of the dancers that she was paying for.
And then B almost ain't make it to the end 'cause she was so tired?! [And why perform the video? We seen (yes, seen) the video already! They play it on every channel on every show everyday. Can we have some originality? Don't even get me started on her and the "Dangerously in Love" performances...] Yeah, she need to stand her behind in one area of the stage and just sing. And she sho'll don't need Jay on stage with her 'cause she can't even focus when he around. She actually did look "crazy in love" when he was on stage. It's so puppy-love-ish. Makes me sick! LOL. J/K. I'm happy for them but I still feel that it was supposed to be me and Jay.
And we ain't even gon' go into Kells himself. Even my momma was lookin' at that nigga like he need to sit his behind down somewhere. Did anyone catch the "special performance" 'cause I surely must have missed it. I saw R. Kelly doing some kinda crap on stage but other than that, I completely did not see the "special performance". I figure they must have shown it while I was watching America's Next Top Model because what I saw him doing could not have been the "special performance". Speaking of Kells, I am so mad at all those people who did not show up who got awards! R. Kelly ain't even supposed to leave his state and he was on stage performing! The only one who has an excuse is Serena. Other than that, them other niggas need to be ashamed of theyselves (yes, theyselves). Especially Jaheim. What the hell was he doing that he couldn't make the awards?!
Aiight... My damn diary don' got a workout today. LOL. I'll holla.