Rambling II
2002-06-10 - 9:48 p.m.
Help me Di!!
Before I even pulled into the parking garage for my job this morning, my eyes began to close. I am sooooo tired!!! All I want to do is sleep for a few days. That�s all�
I can�t believe I�m this tired! But I gotta get over it, gotta get awake cause I got 7 and a half more hours to go before I head home. May not go straight home though cause �106 & Park� is filming down here and I would like to go. But I know it�s gon� be bootleg � they gon� try to have a female sittin� alllllllll the way in the back. And then, they gon� be tryin� to shoot for that one show all night and I just don�t know if I�m up to it. The one thing that�s making me think about going is that I�m pretty sure they�ll have somebody performing. I always love a free performance (Avant was off the chain at Goombay on Saturday).
I love the whole �free� (I mean as in not paying for it � not Free, the host) thing. Even though there is always some expense involved (usually my gas), not paying for the actual ticket makes that cost inconsequential. I�m so cheap�and I love it. I once made $2 last for 2 months. No lie! I have witnesses�
On another note, I was browsing the blogs yesterday and I hit up lockdsistah.diaryland.com one mo� time. (I check on her everyday. Need to let her know I�m reading.) I really admire her. I mean really, I admire her. I wish I had the capacity to be as upset with Him as she is with her �[we�re just] Friend - Bitch�. (The not wanting to call section is a must-read. She is ON POINT!) I�m sure I do. I�ve been thinking that I hate him for what he did to me. Not the leaving part. I don�t hate him for that because it�s something I expect anyways. (Bad Me.) I hate him for coming into my life in the first place. I told him I didn�t want him here and he forced his way in. That�s why I hate him.
Didn�t get to fantasize last night�took too long to go to sleep so, once I actually laid down to think about Him, I fell asleep right away. My bad. Guess it was for the better though.
I can�t remember his face. I remember it but I don�t. I see flashes but not a clear picture. I remember his hands. I remember his eyes. I remember that bottom lip that I wanted to bite off and take with me. Now that, I remember. But, other than that, I can�t remember much else physically. I don�t even remember the sound of his voice. As soon as I hear it, I know I�ll recognize it. But I just can�t walk around and in my head hear him speaking to me because I really can�t remember his voice. My mind is taking care of business.
You know how people ask you: �Where do you see yourself in five years?� I always say I don�t know cause I feel like I�ll be in the same situation I�m in now. In five years, I feel like I�ll still be running around, working myself too hard, filling up all of my free time with things to do. I feel like I�ll still be trying to escape life, still trying to make men stay away from me so I don�t have to put my feelings into anything. I�ll still be trying to make myself believe that I can do this by myself, I don�t need anybody else. It ain�t where I wanna be but I just feel like it�s where I�m gonna be.
I searched until I found my Boyz II Men � Evolution CD. I kept hearing �Never� in my head (�Never, never let a broken heart take your chance at love away. Don�t ever let it make you fall apart. No never, never ever let the pain take your need for love away. Never, no never.�) I woke up one morning and that song was stuck right in the middle of my forehead. Couldn�t get it out. I love that one song (even though the Baby Magic and Bubbles is too corny) where they say, �I�ll rub your back, wash your hair, I�ll do anything, I don�t care. I�ll cook your food, buy your clothes, to the limit I will go. I will go.� Just to imagine that somebody wants you that bad that they will do whatever you need or just want them to do� I�ve never had that. Always wanted it but never had that. So, when I hear that song, I just imagine that I have. It�s so easy to imagine for me. I want to experience too though.
Whoa, I�ve been sleeping for like 30 minutes. I can�t do this today. I don�t need to get caught sleeping. But I just can�t fight it much longer�Just five and a half more hours to go�