2002-06-11 - 10:03 p.m.

Bon Soir D,

I HAVE GOT to get out of counting the hours down. It only makes the time go by slower. I woke up this morning, thinking to myself, �Wow, only 9 more hours to go before I�m done at work.� That was at 6:30am. Not good. The job is fine, just soooo boring.

There was one other guy I used to think I could fall in love with not too long ago. D. S.G. That�s what I�ll call him. I had never met anyone like him. From his looks, I always assumed he was a thug. I always thought he was so handsome but I also thought he was somebody who didn�t care about anybody and surely did not care about school (which is where I met him). I thought he was probably high all the time and mistreated people, so I kinda stayed away from him. (Yeah, yeah, never judge a book by its cover � but we do it anyways. Self first, remember?)

However, when I actually started to get to know him, he was so much more than that. He is in love with God, so intelligent (when I met him, he was in the process of completing his second bachelor�s degree in one year), kind and caring, attentive, understanding, forgiving, patient� So many things. But the thing that is wrong with him (yes, I actually found a fault even when I was trying NOT to look for one) is that he is soooo weak when it comes to matters of the heart � in particular, love.

He was in love with this girl (I met him through the girl in the first place) and it seemed like all they ever did was disagree with each other. At one point, she absolutely hated him. That�s when we started to get so close as far as a friendship is concerned. I mean, we were tight, tight, tight. If you saw me, you saw him. If you saw me and didn�t see him, then you saw us on the cell phone or the 2-way hittin� each other up.

It was my fault for almost falling. It was my fault because I allowed myself to take advantage of a vulnerable and painful situation between those two people. I tried to take her anger and make it my comfort to him. And it worked�until she decided she was done being upset with him. I watched that boy basically get on his hands and knees and become her faithful damn servant. Watched him take her right back and act as if nothing had happened. I watched my dream drive away in her car. Heard her voice on his end of the phone line. Went back to the way I was before except now I was hurting because I had come so close�

They don�t deal with each other anymore. She has moved on and he�s probably still sitting there, waiting for her to come back. Whenever I think about him more than once in a short period of time, he surfaces. He calls or sends a message to let me know he�s in town. I start to think about him more. Realize that I�ll never forget that weakness in him. Remember that I was living in my own fantasy world (where I hate to be because when I come back to reality, things are so much clearer � usually I see something that I didn�t see before, something I would rather be ignorant about). Feel like a fool for putting myself in that situation. Feel even worse for trying to be slick about it�

I wish I could be in a relationship where no words were spoken. All communication would be through the other four senses: touch, taste, smell, sight. I wish I could have an--other who spoke only with his eyes and I would do the same. That way, nothing we could say could hurt the other.

In other non-news, I called someone to tell her ONE thing last night right before I wanted to go to bed. Why did I do that? Homegirl had me on the phone for over an hour telling me about how bad her day was. I was basically her outlet for all of the rage that had been building inside of her throughout the day. I felt bad listening to her because all I could really think about was how tired I was and how close I was to going to sleep until I decided to call her for a quick less-than-a-minute explanation of what I had to tell her. I was thinking that what happened to her wasn�t really that bad. In fact, it was understandable under the circumstances. Furthermore, she controlled the situation. But how do you tell that to somebody who thinks they�ve been done an injustice but they really haven�t? You can�t. So I didn�t. Just let my ear burn and thought about the sleep I�ll be getting tonight.

I think I�m mean sometimes. Then again, I write journal entries so that I don�t have to burden others with the things that are on my mind because I don�t think everybody needs to hear about a little incident that may have made you upset when they�re probably going through something 10 times worse in their own life. Maybe she needs a journal. Yeah, I think she does.

On that note, I think I�ve written enough for today.

Bon Jour D.

P.S. Three more hours and I�m home free.

Ooooh � The Mole comes on tonight. J

antes - despues