I Wanna Go Outside
2002-06-07 - 1:37 a.m.
I'm mad cause the entry I was just typin' got erased due to a computer glitch.
Like I was saying Diary, this just hasn't been a good damn day.
It started from the morning and it has just continued to go down from there.
I had a couple of nightmares last night. That should have been a sign. And they weren't monster type nightmares. I don't really have those anymore. The nightmares I have now are situations in life that would cause me great stress. They're still nightmares nonetheless that shock me awake and have me clutching my Bible or saying a prayer as soon as my eyes open.
Then, for no damn reason, I get up for work an hour and a half later than I usually do. The job is flexible so I can do that. It's just that I know I need the money and I wasn't even tired or anything. Just didn't feel like getting up. I got a ticket when I got to work because I parked in the main lot where I never usually park because I know I don't have a damn decal. I just decided to be an ass today...
I got waaaay lost on the way to the repair shop I had to go to for my insurance to get the estimate on how much it would cost to repair my car. Come to find out, the place was five minutes away from my job without even having to take a major street. It took me 45 minutes to find it.
I got an estimate: $1,115.63. A little out of range of the amount I was willing to pay on my own: $800. When I got there, I explained to the rep that I may not be going with the insurance company. I still had other places to look at so I hadn't made my decision yet. He gave me a check for $615.63 written out to the repair shop. Told me if I found a better deal, let him know although he would rather me go to that place.
Point of this even being in my entry is that, when I got home, my stepfather wanted to know what went down with the insurance rep. I told him, with a smile on my face mind you because I had handled this part on my own, what happened. My bad. He blew up on me. Told me I should have never accepted the check. Told me I knew I was wrong. (after I reminded him that all he told me was to sign nothing, which I did not sign anything. Being that I had explained my intentions to the rep and he still gave me the check, I thought it was procedure.) Made me feel real bad, again.
I feel like I work so hard to do the right things and be a good person. Yet and still, I can't please him. He's always telling me how proud I make him, how he tells everybody how well I'm doing. I can't tell because there's always something that I've done to make him upset.
Today, I wanted to cry so much. I just wanted to get all these frustrations from the past couple of weeks out. I don't get to have a good cry. I guess I'm not on the "have a good cry so you can get it all out and feel better" list. Actually had me asking "Why won't you let me cry?" My past couple of weeks have not been so hot in anyone's book, I'm sure. Two family members died within a week of each other (one who I wasn't even told was ill, but that's another story), thought my first cousin (who was like a sister to me growing up because we're only one month apart) was going to die because all of a sudden she got so sick she needed a kidney and a liver transplant, wrecked my new car, fell in what I thought was love and then broke up with a boyfriend who I went through so much emotionally with - and hid it all from the outside world.
I've been holding all of this shit in and I still haven't cried in the privacy of my bedroom or anywhere else for that matter. All I want is to cry. I feel like if I cry, I can get out so much of the frustration I have inside of me and feel that weight dry the hell up and evaporate into the air. For real. I can imagine it just leaving me. I can almost feel it.
I'm starting to get back into a negative state of mind and I hate being that way. I'm praying so hard but, sometimes, when you're really at the end of your rope, it's hard to remember whose there for you and that if you just maintain the faith, things will come out alright. It's hard to see "what's on the other side of the rainbow".
I'm trying to remember.
Aiight Diary.