"Patience Is A Virtue Nigga!"
2002-06-04 - 10:37 p.m.
"Children hold on
To your dreams
Believe in love
Let love be the light to show the way
And life will shine on you one day"
Hey Diary.
This song came on the radio last night. I needed it at that time. Every time I need my spirit lifted, something happens to help me out.
I'm not very sad. It's just that sometimes, I let people get to me too much. Namely, my stepfather. He is the king of the little castle. If he is upset about something, everybody is going to know. The thing with him is, if he knows he's getting to me, he'll just act up more. I try not to show that he's getting on my last nerve but, most of the time, I'm unsuccessful. And he'll just continue to prod and prod until I get very upset. Then he gets upset that I'm that upset. Then he has a reason to upset me even more. It's all mind games. It's good for my mom because they are perfect together. But for me, it's not so much fun. This should be the last summer of this though. By next summer, I'll be a college graduate beginning her "real world experience" a.k.a. "living on her own".
I noticed I haven't been waking up at 4:30am with any anticipation lately. I haven't been looking for my phone to ring. I haven't been wishing things were back to the way they were. I have been losing plenty of sleep though. I'll be praying for so long that I fall asleep and then wake up praying. I don't sleep straight through the night like I used to. I wake up at least four times during the night with so many things on my damn mind�
I need some serious rest. I just want to go somewhere by myself and sleep till I can't sleep no mo'. I want to vegetate. I don't want to think about my life and what's going on in it. I wanna listen to some music. Read. Watch a few movies. Just be with MMI (Me, Myself and I) for a little while. I may do it sooner than not. I'm sincerely thinking about it now�
{Thanx Diary.}
Back to that song: I couldn't help but smile when I heard it. It's such a simple song. But it meant so much to me when I heard it last night. The "hold on to your dreams�believe in love" was what really got me. So many times, it's like I endure so much that I just want to let it all go, ya know? Just wanna forget about trying to do something or be someone because I feel like everything is against me. Especially in the love department.
But, no matter what happens, I still need to "hold on to [my] dreams". I still need to "believe" that it'll get better and "life will shine on [me] one day". That things will soon work out if I just "hold on". I have to keep loving. I have to keep believing that love will come one day soon. It's just that it'll come when it's ready. I realized yesterday that I've been praying for love for as long as I can remember (yeah, I even wanted love at 6 years old) and it hasn't speeded up the process one bit. I just have to wait on what is on the way for me.
Like this boy at my school said to his friend:
"Patience is a virtue nigga!"
Aiight Diary.