2002-06-01 - 2:01 p.m.

Did anybody else notice that Macy Gray's neck does not support her head? I'm not trying to be funny. I'm serious! I just saw that Mountain Dew Red commercial and it looked like she was having a lil' trouble holding up her head. Them drugs...I tell ya.

Anyway...

Dear Diary.

Who the hell am I to plan for anything? I have no right to plan my day. I should just be happy with going with the flow that the day has for me. Let me explain: I'm leaving my first job and I tear the hell outta the side of my car in the parking garage in the process of me trying to actually follow the damn lines! So, there goes the rest of my day. I couldn't go to my second job or the internship because I was just too upset - with the damn situation, mostly with myself but also with the parking garage because it is badly designed. Went to get an estimate: $1500 dollars. Thank goodness for a $500 deductible but damn, I don't even want to see how much they hike up my insurance payments.

I was really getting on myself but my mom helped a sista see the bright side. She is sooo good because she always helps me realize that life is not about material things. It's about emotions and the spirit and the soul. They always say, "you can't take nothing to Heaven wit you when you go."

So, decided I was gonna go and hit up that club because I needed to relieve some tension. My girl was supposed to come to my house at 9:20pm. I call at 9:30 and she is just leaving her house which is at least 20 minutes away if u drive at a good speed. Let me say that she drives slow. We have to be to the club, which is 10 minutes away from my house, right before 10pm. Like 9:55pm. I should have taken my behind right on over there but she needed to change and put on makeup at my house. I knew we wouldn't make it but I didn't want to give up hope.

She pulls up to my house AT 10pm. I haven't been that hot in a while. It wasn't just wantin' to go to the club. It was that shit hadn't been too right during the day. I needed a release. And the thing was, she didn't even apologize! But some people, you either take the crap that they come with or leave 'em alone. That's my problem. I can't just leave people alone even when I know I need to.

So, we had to pay. $15 damn dollaz! But once I thought about all the free shit I've done this year, $15 didn't seem that bad to let go of. I straight chilled the whole night. Danced for like 2 minutes with this guy I knew. I had planned to get tipsy but I can't allow myself to do that. I don't like the feeling of not being in control of myself at any time. So, I had me one of them Alka-Seltzers (Smirnoff Ice) just to warm up.

There were plenty of big names up in there. Lil' Jon (BIA BIA!!!) was staring at me for the longest time. I think he realized that I didn't know who the hell he was so he gave up. When I know someone is looking for attention or recognition, I make sure not to give it to them. It may not be nice but that's just the way I am. I need more than money or a nice car to get me interested.

What I was really doing was looking for "Him". His brother was there so I get the strongest feeling he was too. Where I was, you couldn't help but seeing me so the chance that he didn't come say hi if he was there hurt me. I went to sleep thinking about him but he was nowhere on my mind when I woke up this morning.

Progress...it feels good. But I still miss him. When I hit my car, the first thing I wanted to do was call him so he could make me feel alright. Terrible I know.

Sometimes, I'm so strong. Other times...

I'll holla Diary.

antes - despues