Anotha Day.
2002-05-30 - 9:00 p.m.
Hey Diary.
Decided to stop through and chat for a while before I leave work. Don't really have much on my mind other than him. I figure I'll allow myself to obsess over the situation for a few days and then just let it go. So, by Monday, I hope to have him out of my system. Completely.
This summer is going good. The other day, I was thinking about last summer and how depressed I was. It took me FOREVER to find a job and when I did, my stepdad was stressing me about the travel it took to get there. Then, I got another job that BORED ME OUT OF MY MIND!!!! LOL. My car almost landed me in the hospital with all the stress and anguish it put on me. For real, I was at the doctor's office like every week for heart palpitations and all this other crazy isht. I was spending just about every dime I made on the damn car. I was lonely. I felt unhealthy� Last summer was just a bad summer for me. One of the worst I can remember.
This summer, on the other hand, has been really good to me as soon as it began. I started a job the week after I got out of school that pays well. I got to keep my job at the school. And the flexibility of the two jobs gives me the time to intern at a record company, which is fun, especially since I feel like I'm supposed to be there. I can't explain it. I just feel so comfortable when I go there, like I've been there for years. And that's how they treat me too. All good. I got a basically new car earlier this year so that isn't an issue. I'm eating right now that I'm not running around so much because of school so I feel better. I'm not lonely anymore although I am alone right now. My bills are paid. My room is clean. (I'm serious about that too. A clean room helps me to calm down. I get seriously anxious when my room is not clean.) I've had fun so far. Went out to the beach for Memorial Day Weekend. Had some fun. Did my favorite thing: got in the clubs for free!!! (I love it! Just to know that some people paid $100 to get in and get in VIP and I did it all for free. I wanna give a seminar on how to get in the club for free. I think I may.) Felt good so I looked good too. It just feels like 10 years have passed since the horror of last summer.
D.Young over at dyoung.thatbitch.com (with the burberry in the backgroung) was talking about how he needed a muse. I had to ask him what it was. He said that a muse is something or someone who inspires thought and creativity in you. I have a muse even though I don't want him as my muse. I do not write poetry. I don't write period. I like writing on diaryland and in my journal cause it helps me get some things out. But other than that, I DO NOT WRITE. However, yesterday I wrote three poems. Today, I wrote half a song and another poem. In my opinion, they're really good poems too. I wanna go to a poetry reading and recite 'em but I'm kinda scared to because those are really personal moments I put in them there poems. That's why I don't like writing poetry - because I put all of my real emotions in them. I don't like to be open that way.
But maybe I will. They have one in a place about an hour from here so I may go there because nobody'll recognize me. I can get it all out and go back into anonymity. Yeah, maybe I will do that.
Only 30 minutes left at my job then I go to the record company. I'm looking forward to it even though I'm so tired. I fell asleep at my desk this morning for bout half an hour. I need to get more work done before anybody gets suspicious although I'm good at looking busy so it's hard to tell what I'm doing when I'm doing it. I woke up again this morning, early as all hell. I have got to stop that. It's making me exhausted before the day even begins. And I know he ain't gon' call so I can't understand why it's so hard for me to sleep until my alarm comes on.
"He", "he", "he". I wrote "he" (I don't feel like saying "him") a letter today. It's five pages double-spaced. I would never give it to him but I wrote it as if I finally had the courage to let him know everything on my mind. And that's not even everything. Everything would have ended up being a book so some things I left out. Damn, I've been writing like freakin' crazy lately. I need to get this boy out my mind for real before I end up with Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
Tweet says, "I can't get caught up when I see you." I hope I don't see him. Even though I want to, I just hope I don't. I don't want all these feelings to build up in me again. I don't want to forgive him for hurting me. I don't want to love him anymore.
Tweet says, "You're so beautiful." I never would have understood how a man could be beautiful. But now I know. His soul can show on his skin. His spirit can be evident in his eyes. You can see his heart in his arms as they hold you close� That can make a man "so beautiful" and "more than a dream come true".
Damn I miss that boy�
Till latah Diary.