No Damn Love
2002-05-29 - 9:41 p.m.
I recently realized that I am not supposed to be writing to "ya'll" per se. I'm supposed to be writing to my own private journal, which just happens to be posted on the internet. So, that I will do.
Wussup Diary?
I'm at work. It's kinda boring but it will soon be paying the bills so that's a blessing.
Once again, I'm thinking about that nigga. I get sick and tired of doing it but it's something I just can't help. I HATE, absolutely HATE, sitting here, thinking about him all the time and feeling like he doesn't even remember that I exist or ever did to him. I don't know that for a fact. In fact, I highly doubt he doesn't think about me. HIGHLY doubt it. But he surely knows how not to show it. He's a professional at that.
The reason why it's so hard for me to let go of thoughts of him is that I REMEMBER everything about us together. It's so weird to me that I CLEARLY remember so much. I mean , I remember all of our conversations. I remember the way he looked at me all the time. I remember his touch, his smell... I remember the way he felt. I REMEMBER all of that. If I did not have any memories to cling to, I wouldn't be feeling so sad right now. If there were no possibilities, I would be okay right now. But I'm not.
Right now, I'm sad. I remember being depressed and I vowed to not let that happen again to me, so I'm fighting it right now. I'm fighting my want to just go into hibernation, not do anything and not speak to anyone. Yesterday, if my friend D had not called me, I would not have spoken to anyone but my mother and my boss, and those two only because I ran into them during the course of the day. All I did was go to work and come home and get right in my bed. Wait, first I checked BP as soon as I walked in the door because I wanted to see if he had sent me a note. He didn't. Just like he doesn't call me even though I try to believe that staring at my cell phone will make him call me. I don't expect to ever hear from him again. Actually, I do. But I'm trying to get myself out of looking for his call.
It's not working. I've been waking up at 5:45am even though I don't have to be up until 6:45am. But my mind knows that that is when I used to be on the phone, talking to him and wishing he were closer. As soon as I wake up, I start praying. I try to pray so I don't think about him. Instead, I end up praying for things to work out. Then, I end the prayer asking the Lord to help me accept whatever is right and whatever he has for me - him in my life or out. It's hard. It really is. That's why I never wanted this.
I NEVER wanted to love anybody. I mean, I love my family. That's what I was content with. I didn't want to be able to say that I loved someone and that they loved me. I didn't want to have that privilege. Why? Because I didn't want to end up in a situation where I felt I was giving all my love and it was being thrown back in my face. I had a feeling I would love too hard. I had a feeling my love would be too honest and too true. I had a feeling I would almost take my heart out and present it to the one I loved on a silver platter, for them to eat as they pleased (maybe with a little salt and lemon but hopefully with sugar and cream). That's basically what I did. He made the best heart tartar that He could with my love. And it hurts.
It hurts because I'm holding onto something that I don't even think is there on his part. I'm holding onto a dream, a damn fantasy that will probably never come true. And I'm angry with myself for that. I'm usually so strong. I can usually just pick up my mental luggage and walk right out the door.
But this time, I can't even pack my damn bags! This time, I'm struggling because this time, I loved him. This time, I found out what love was and I was ready to give it and receive it with my all. This time, I wasn't going to push the possibility of love away. This time, I was ready for love. And this time, LOVE didn't give a damn about me.
LOVE had it out for me because I shunned it before. LOVE wanted to teach me a lesson. LOVE came with a vengeance and left with me. LOVE took all of me away. LOVE took all my mental shit and walked the hell out on me. But LOVE has another thing coming. LOVE better watch out because my eyes are open now. I know now. I'll be alright though. I just need a little longer to get it out of my damn system and go back to the way I used to be. Progress will be made. Mark my words.
I'm just hurt that it came to this.
Until tomorrow Diary..........