2002-01-02 - 5:46 p.m.

Welcome to the New Year everyone!

I hope that each person reading this had a safe and fun holiday.

I don't feel like it's a new year this time. I know it's a mental thing but still, I don't feel anything new about this year. I didn't make one resolution and I almost missed the countdown itself. I have always rang in the New Year with Dick Clark. I don�t know what happened this time. I just wasn't feeling it like I used to.

The only thing I want for this year is to be happy. I just want to do the things that I've always wanted to do for my own self-enjoyment. This year is about M-E!!!! I'm getting my tattoo on my birthday. I'm seriously considering piercing one of my body parts. I want to change my hairstyle. I want to PARTAY!!!! I want to walk without worrying about who is watching me. I want to smile without wondering who is wondering what I'm smiling about. I want to move as if I am part of the rest of the world, not part of a show. I want to focus on my innermost urgings and desires and forget what the "norm" is. I want to take care of my mental well-being before I work on everybody else's emotional states. I want to make sure that I'm all set before I go out on a limb for everybody and they mama. I want to be selfish this year. I want to live for myself and no one else.

It ain't gonna happen that way though. That's probably why I didn't even waste my time with New Year's Resolutions. I can't help but live my life for everybody else. I can't help but make sure everybody else is A-OK before I even think about me. I don't know how to. My mom is the caretaker of our whole immediate family. Everybody's needs and wants are supplied by her. The only thing I know is how to follow in her footsteps. She tells me to worry about me first and then worry about everybody else. She doesn't practice what she preaches.

This year, I want a car that works well and looks good (If you knew what I had before, you'd understand where I'm coming from). I want a close friendship with some benefits (I'm not looking for a relationship because I don't think I'll ever be ready to deal with one.). I want to lose my arrogance (Yeah, I've done a 360 since high school but that still doesn't give me the right to act or think the way I do sometimes. These people are not the ones who treated me wrong back then so they don't deserve any anger as a result of my residual hurt.). I want to get an apartment (I'm living on campus at the moment. I don't hate on-campus housing, I'm just ready to get out on my own. I need a space that belongs to me.). I want to physically reinvent myself (I'm ready for a new look. I want to change some things up, things that I will use to express who I really am as a person.). This year, I want to be me (Who I am. Not who people would like me to be or who I think people want me to be.).

So, I won't make any resolutions this year. I'll only do what I can to make the things that I want come to fruition. That's my goal for this year - Make ME happy.

Peace Ya'll.

antes - despues