2001-12-30 - 10:46 p.m.

I received an e-mail a while ago from my cousin which I did not read until today. I procrastinated in reading this e-mail until today because that's the way it was meant to be.

"Father, I ask you to bless my friends, relatives and email buddies reading

this right now. Show them a new revelation of your love and power. Holy

spirit, I ask you to minister to their spirit at this very moment. Where

there is pain, give them your peace and mercy. Where there is self-doubt,

release a renewed confidence through your grace, In Jesus' precious name.

Amen."

Today was one of the gloomiest days that I have had in a long time. Today, I realized how lonely I was. I heard the word "alone" and even sang it in a song about 50 times this morning. Finally, when I was in a place where there were so many people, I could not take a step without saying "Excuse me," my mind attached itself to the significance of the word alone and caused that significance to envelope me like the smoke that hovered like a cloud over the crowd at the club that I went to on Friday night. I realized that I have no significant other. I became jealous of the same friends who frustrated me this past week, coming to me with the problems that they've been having in their respective relationships. I began to want what they had, to cherish, in my mind, the fact that they have someone to argue with simply because they have the opportunity to make-up with that person.

All I've ever wanted was to have someone to call late at night just to hear their voice and know that somebody I care about cares about me and is out there rooting for me. A hug. A kiss. Never thought that was too much to ask. Never did. I have yet to receive what I've been searching for. Yet to smile at the love of my life and know... Just know...

Today, I thought I wouldn't be able to take the loneliness anymore. Add the facts that I'm broke and my car is no longer operable...

When negativity approaches me, it's aggressive and attempts to be all-consuming. But my God is an awesome God, ya know? He always lets me know that He's working and everything is a result of his plan, his vision for my life. I like to sing a lyric from a song that reminds me that God is always there and what I should do to remain sane in times like these:

"I am patiently waiting for You, anticipating that my blessing's on it's way. I'm standing on your promises, believing in Your hope so I can praise Your holy name."

Many people would never expect that I would have such strong faith in God nor could they understand the HUGE role He plays in my life because I don't run and tell everybody what He has done for me. There is no way to fully explain it. The only person who would be able to understand it would be the person who has lived my life.

At the end of this year, I'm just holding on, reflecting on all of the blessings that I have received during this year and I pray that everyone else does the same.

SERENITY AND LOVE AND HAPPINESS TO EACH AND EVERY PERSON WHO READS THIS AND MAKE SURE TO PASS THESE WISHES ONTO EVERYONE YOU MEET.

Peace.

antes - despues