2002-12-09 - 10:52 p.m.

Bear with me on this one... I know it's going waaaay back.

I feel like I'm right back in the 12th grade. Senior year in high school or something! One of my roommates asked me to tell this guy at school that he had a secret admirer. And it's gone downhill from there...

So I do it. I don't see him that often. Never had much interaction with him. The only connection we had was that I hooked him up with a few things while he was online for a fraternity. Maybe I should also include that he had to drop for medical reasons and of course, I ended up being the one he confided in... Okay. So, what the hay (I'm trying to not curse so much anymore... I know, everybody says it...) right? Right....

I tell him. We start talking about people and relationships. Over time, we start talking about life experiences. We start talking about what things mean to us in life and the lessons we've learned from what we've been through. Now? I'm his close friend...and a secret admirer as well.

I hate that!

I feel worse as the days go by because she really likes this dude. She's always asking about him and telling me things to do. And, even though I don't want to, I do them because it's giving me an opportunity to get closer to him. It allows me those extra minutes to ask him all the questions I want to know the answers to, to touch him. I'm using them both and it's bad. It's bad. It is.

I know - I need to stop. But I can't. I want it to work out for her in some way because I want him to be unavailable to me. I want the situation to work out where they get together and find happiness in each other so that I can feel like I could never have him because his heart is already gone. Yaknow? I need him to be unavailable to me. Period.

I feel like a ho, yaknow? It's bad. It really is. When I first got that last Aaliyah CD, I just kept replaying "The Other Woman". I felt like that song could be my motto. I don't know why. I guess because I don't want a real relationship. I am so afraid to dedicate myself to someone because I don't want them to get disappointed. Scratch that....

I don't want anyone to tell me that they are dedicating themselves to me and then have me get disappointed. That's what I don't want. It's purely selfish. It is and I know it. But that's okay, right? Mmmm-Hmmm. But hey, the protection of my heart is my main concern. I have to look out for me right? Cause nobody else will right? I've yet to hear a "right" from anyone... I just hate disappointment. Always have and always will.

Why am I wasting my time searching? Why can't I just wait?

antes - despues