2003-06-17 - 3:10 p.m.

Boredom breeds randomness and rambling...

I want a nice man. Somebody who is just so nice. My mother likes him, my friends like him, most importantly, I like him because he is just so nice... I don't want a mean man. I don't want somebody where you have to say, "oh, he's like that with everybody he doesn't know." I don't want somebody I have to make excuses for. I want someone who doesn't hesitate to speak for themselves and is just too polite when they do speak.

A gentleman. Hmmm... Kanye West. LOL! I need to get off this Kanye West crap. What about him as a person has made me want him? What do I know about a Kanye West? Secondhand information. He could be the meanest, nastiest nigga out in the streets right now but, because he's famous and witty, I'm enthralled. Please! I'm making myself ill. It's disgusting. LOL.

I trip me out! LOL!!!! Naw, for real though. I always do that. Make somebody out to be more than they are. I take an image and make that the person. That's not the case at all.

The person is the person. So, if I don't know the person, I need not have a concept of them already established in my mind. Because anything that is unlike my concept of that person will lead to me being disappointed when I meet them. It's not their fault that they are not who I want them to be.

It's my fault for attempting to place them into a box. My box. My perception of reality. It's not fair because my box is warped. As is everyone's personal box. So, I can't put any expectations on anyone. I can only take them as they come or leave them as they be.

I can't help but wonder when my nigga is coming! I really can't! It's so unnerving to not know. I want it to be all kosher though. I want it to be like old-school courting, you know? I feel like I've been working too hard...or maybe it just feels like that because I haven't really been working with the right stuff.

I don't want to meet somebody and they only have a certain topic (ahem) for conversation. They don't care about my interests, where I've been or where I see myself going. They're interested in only one thing. I'm tired of dealing with that.

That's why I always used to sit and imagine me meeting somebody in the bookstore or at an event involving entertainment. Because those are the things that are interesting to me. I feel like I need to meet somebody with similar interests. The only way I can even feel like I'm meeting somebody like that is if I meet them in a place where it's happening. That's where I'm really looking.

What I need to happen to me is to meet somebody in a place that I would never even imagine meeting somebody. I need this to happen so that I'm caught off guard. That way, the whole thing will be more special. But no matter what way it happens, I know it's going to be absolutely mind-blowing because that's the way God has been working in my life.

He has been amazing me with the way He has delivered the blessings He has for me unto me. He has done these things in ways I could never imagine. I think that's one of the reasons why it is so hard for me to wait on the one He is sending me. I'm just excited to see how God is going to deliver the one unto me.

I would like for God to bestow me with a sign so that I know that whoever the one is, he has been sent directly to me by God. I don't know if he'll have something to say or something that he can show me to let me know that he is the one sent by God to me. If I have no recognizable sign, I'm just going to trust that the Lord will let me know if the one I have is the one meant for me. If he is not, then I'm sure that God will let me know that.

And I'm also anxious because I want to know how it feels to be in love. I know how it feels to love somebody. I've done that. I did it with J. The problem there was that he did not love me. He loved the idea of being in love. But not me. He did not love me. If he did, we would still be together.

But I don't truly know how it feels to have my other half love me. I know how it feels to be loved by my family and my friends. However, I don't know how it feels to be loved in a romantic way. And I want to experience that. I want to know it, understand it, be able to recognize it and reciprocate it.

The way KB held me that night at his house made me feel adored for those few minutes. I felt like he was someone who could have cared a great deal about me. When we bumped into each other on South Beach that night, I tried to make myself believe that, when he put his hands on my waist, that he was thinking about how he wished it could have worked out. He wasn't thinking that but I allowed myself to believe that he was, just for a few minutes. Then, I came back to myself and allowed me to face reality.

I remember those times of sitting in the car with J. I remember inside his house when he held me like a baby. I've never felt so secure. Never. I won't again until I'm in someone else's arms. I feel like I work so hard to make others feel secure. I need someone to help me feel secure every once in a while. I've honestly not had those feelings of security since dealing with J.

I just want to feel loved and secure. That's also why I'm so anxious about getting into a relationship. I want to give those responsibilities to someone else. I work so hard for myself. I want someone else to work for me a little bit. To do for me a little bit. I'll do for them too once I feel safe in believing that they will do for me.

That's all I want. I don't need to meet my husband right now Lord. If he's not ready, that's okay. ;) I just need someone in my life right now. I want to be needy for a little while. This independence surely gets tired after so long.

antes - despues