2003-06-12 - 8:46 p.m.

The Boys = Sunsoflight.com ... Scary.

Why the word scary? I don't know my damn self... It's such a change from what I remember. I have a difficult time in dealing with change... It's just so...weird. LOL. I'm happy for them but damn, I'm all in shock. It's the forest I'm looking at...

I'm going to Weight Watchers on Monday. Honestly, this is the smallest I've been since middle school but still, I want to get down to something healthier. I had finally accepted my weight but now, I've started to feel like I still look like I did four years ago at the end of high school. Even though I don't even recognize myself in the pictures I see from that time, when I look in the mirror, I just don't feel right. So, now that I have some time and a little bit of change on my hands, I'm gonna work on something that will bring joy to me. I'm not going into it with any expectations though. I'm just going to enjoy the ride, no matter what turns it takes.

My great-uncle, who has been like a grandfather to me since mine died in 1994, is going under the knife in the morning. I went to visit him today and, for a moment, I thought to myself, "If he died tomorrow, right now would be the last time that I would have seen him alive." It was the strangest feeling. Yes, even stranger than me being weirded out by The Boys aka Suns of Light.

I had the chance to see my grandaddy the night before the surgery that killed him but I didn't want to go to the hospital he was at because I didn't like what I'd seen there before (he was in a veteran's hospital). So, while everyone else went to see him, I stayed late after school and then came home to an empty house and talked to him over the phone. I don't feel bad about not going though. The environment he was in at that hospital did not do justice to the man he was. Therefore, I didn't want to see him in that environment. So, I missed my opportunity to see him that last time before he died. But he prayed with me in my dream the night he died so I was alright.

But today, I made sure to stop by and see my great-uncle. Even though his surgery should not have any complications, he is older and weaker. These things I understand and accept. I have no problem with death. I'd be ready to go right now if the Lord came and asked me to go with Him. I just didn't want to say that I again missed a last opportunity to see someone before they died. I expect to hear from my great-uncle sometime this weekend though. But I am also comfortable with the fact that God has the perfect will in this life...

"Come bring me your kindness..."

I'm praying for those who are depressed right now. It was something else to hear my great-uncle talk about his depression today. It confirmed what my mother said about depression running in our family. Having been depressed, I feel that the most important thing about depression is getting through it. I know it's easier said than done. Believe me. I still have relapses to this day. But I can honestly say that, because of my relationship with God, I have overcome severe depression and come to believe that life is worth living. And I cannot stress enough how good it feels. I just feel like a walking talking testimony and I'm not afraid to share it. Yeah, maybe I do sound a little too happy. Maybe it's because I am. I mean damn, I've been down in the dumps honey. I know how it feels to be miserable. So, please step aside while I rejoice and bask in the peace that exists in me now.

And all I intend to do is to nourish this feeling, this state of mind. And I truly hope that those out there who are depressed... I don't know. Nothing I say will change anything. It has to happen within. I pray that it does. And soon.

antes - despues