What Is Going On?!!??!!!
2002-10-05 - 3:13 a.m.
I'm finally back. Had to send my laptop out to be worked on but I got it back so I'm back in business.
Right now, I'm just SO UPSET. I am FURIOUS with myself. I mean, really. I really am angry with who I am. I make me sick. Once again, I've done something I didn't want to do just because I knew there was someone who would be disappointed if I didn't do it. And how did I end up? Embarassed, wet, and angry. As usual. Why do I care so much about making other people happy?! Why can't I ever put me first? Why? I don't understand it. It's like I am so worried about somebody else enjoying life and getting the things they want that I forget that I was put here to live too. This is my life. Not anyone else's. And what do I do with this life of mine? Try and help other people live theirs. And where does that always help me end up? At the short end of the damn stick. Period.
I used to get mad at the person on the other side. I used to resent the fact that they did not realize how far I actually went to do what they wanted to do. I used to be seething inside while I was doing whatever it was somebody else wanted me to do. Tonight, I finally realized that it's myself I need to be mad with. It's myself I need to have the issue with. Because I, myself, make my final decisions. I decide for myself what to do and what not to do. Nobody is holding a gun to my head. Nobody is wringing my arm, forcing me to do anything. It's all my final decisions. It's my fault that I try and appease everyone involved in every situation. How dare I get upset with the other party. The nerve of me.
I just don't know what to do right now. I need a break. I need to be by myself. I need my own space. I need to pray. I need God to hear me and give me the answers I'm looking for. I need direction, I need purpose, I need peace. I need love. I need a hand to comfort me right now. That's what I need.
I need to live my damn life and stop worrying about everybody else. I keep saying this over and over but I never follow it. I need to follow it now. I do. I do-do.
Too much is going on. I need to hear a word. I need the Lord to "speak to my heart". I'm serious.
I'm tired. For real this time. My soul is tired. After 21 years of so much, my spirit is exhausted. I had come so far last year. I felt it. I feel like I'm just going straight back down with no bungee cord or anything. Like I'm headed right for the bottom. Pray for me.
Edit: I think the fact that "He" is on my mind is also causing me a few of the mental issues I'm dealing with now.